Preparing for Another Adventure....

HAPPY EASTER!!!!!  HE is RISEN....HE is RISEN indeed.

I head out this week to Masaka.  It is a smaller town out to the west, about two and a half hours from Kampala.  It actually reminds me a bit of the middle and western part of VA (if you take away the banana trees anyway).  I have been a few times before and really enjoy the slower pace, the lack of significant "jam" compared to Kampala, and the people I have met from there.

I am going more or less because it is a requirement, but I also know it will be good for me.  I am going to stay with a Ugandan family to have more of a true language and culture immersion experience.

I have been studying Luganda now for more than a year, but to be honest, living here in the capital has
actually made it "slower" if you will to learn as you don't HAVE to use it.  Most folks here speak English, and in some ways prefer to.  Most folks here in Kampala when I speak to them in Luganda, laugh (or I should say, kind of giggle).  They are not laughing AT me, they just do not expect their language to come out of the mouth of someone who looks like me.  Many expats here, at least it seems to me, don't learn one of the 40+ local languages because you really don't have to in order to function.

What I have found, however, even in what I feel is my limited Luganda, they are PLEASED that I have tried.  They are happy that I am learning, and as soon as they see I can say a little, they start talking REALLY fast with a big smile on their face, and I have to ask them to please slow down.  It has opened, even in small ways, doors to have more conversations.  It has allowed me to proceed without much more than a greeting with the traffic police when they stop me to "check my papers".  Many people have said they would gladly come and be my teacher, but I tell them I already have one thanks.

I am excited to go and see what I have learned, as well as what I have not, so we have some direction in where I still need to go.  My primary hope and prayer is that I will gain confidence in my ability to speak and hear well.  My teammates tell me I am doing well, but I don't have something to gauge it by, so I am just not sure...I am hoping this trip will change that.

As much as I am excited about it...I am also a bit nervous.  More about the unfamiliar surroundings I will be in.  As one of my teammates reminded me today, being in a situation where you are unfamiliar with and everyone else is very familiar it is stressful in itself.  Sleeping in a strange bed, being with people I don't really know all that well, eating food I am not used to eating every day, even going to the bathroom in a pit latrine (or drop toilet)....it is going to be stressful.


I keep telling myself if I have camped for 2 weeks straight on the side of a river with people I had never met before (and I did that TWICE), then I can survive, and even enjoy this time well.  My language teacher drew me a diagram to help with the pit latrine situation.  He also teaches with the Peace Corp, and they do that talk with each new class.  I modified it a bit...but it just reminds me how blessed I am to live where I live, as probably 90% of the country do NOT have indoor toilets, including many here in the capital city. This is normal, everyday life.  I want to experience that life...and at the same time, want to remain healthy and safe, so any advice I can get from teachers and other Ugandan friends, I am very grateful for.

Please pray for me during this time.  I will be hopefully meeting with some of the women in the church and in Hope Alive (a ministry affiliated with WorldVenture) while I am there.  I hope this will be the beginning of relationships that lead to ministry opportunities in the future.  I am still deciding if I am going to take my computer, but if I do, I will try and update periodically while I am there, and if I don't for sure I will fill you in when I return.

Buttons.....

When I started this Blog several years ago, it was so that I could have a place to process and verbalize what I was struggling with and learning as I went through my battle with cancer.  I didn't write for a long time, but then decided to start again as I began my journey in Uganda.  I kept the name the same as it meant a lot to me then, and it still does now....but I will admit, I am not doing as good of a job "resting" now as I did then, and somehow the "rapids" seem a heck of a lot bigger.

I didn't write at all last year, but have made a new "resolution" of sorts to try blog more regularly this second year of my term (well 2014 anyway).  The first few posts have just been some fun things I got to do, and then a great ministry opportunity I had.  BUT NOW....I am afraid I need to vent a little.  I need to process.  I need to just get out some frustration (I am a verbal processor, and don't really have too many folks I can verbally process with right now, so cyber-space it is.)

I have known for a long time that one of my buttons is not being communicated with (and not being really heard or listened to, but that is another matter).  I have prayed and prayed to try and discover where this button first developed, and the LORD has shown me different things at different times.  The button has seemed to shrink at times, and then it grows again to get hit again all over the place.

We were taught at different times prior to coming to live cross-culturally that different buttons would get pushed, even the ones we thought we had dealt with.  We were told that somehow the buttons seem to get GI-NORM-OUS when they are suddenly coming in contact with a whole culture that seems determined to push them ALL DAY LONG.  And let me tell you...I am definitely finding that to be true.

I found it true all through my first year here, and it continues now.  I have had times of letting it go and not bother me, and times when I am so frustrated I just want to get on the plane and head back to whatever life I may be able to start again in the US.

This week, it was one of THOSE weeks.  Despite having a very encouraging time speaking and sharing last week and finally getting to "do" some of what I have come here to do, this week, I just want to bag it all. (Somehow as I write this, I see the timing is, shall I say typical...in the spiritual type of attack kind of normal that is, so I guess I should not be surprised....and that in itself gives me strength and courage to keep going.) 

I won't leave, I can't leave since I know I have been called here, but there are times, so I will proceed with a bit of venting.

• I am tired of NOT being told when things change...like rates on a my cell phone.  (Kind of a big deal since it affects MILLIONS of people, but they DON'T tell anyone...not even their own employees, but it seems no one else seems to mind.)
• I am tired of being told to just be patient when things they tell everyone will be fixed in 24 hours are not fixed and it is now 48-72 hours later.
• I am tired of purchasing things that when I get them home they don't work, but being unable to return it because they just don't do that here.  No such thing as a return policy in most places, receipt or not.
• I am tired of asking again and again for the person hired to "care" for the building where I live to actually do his job and being disregarded and disrespected as he continues to NOT do it.
• I am tired of things I was told are included in a rent payment not functioning, then "jeri-rigged" to get through the immediate problem, but never fully fixed or replaced.  SOOO, the next time, we are in the SAME situation again.
• I am tired of being told," yes, they are coming to today" to fix whatever is broken, so you arrange your day to accommodate that....and of course it never happens.  I have finally given up....and may ask once every couple of weeks, and am again told, yes, they are coming today...and they don't.

All of this comes down to having expectations.  My frustration in driving (which I won't even get into now, but it is by far the MOST STRESSFUL thing that I do here) also all comes from having expectations.  

So I try to not have expectations.  I try and not expect what I have expected all my life.  I try not to bring my "western" view into what life is here.  But, it is hard.  Try it.  Try and just have no expectations.  It is like killing your heart...your desires...your needs....even for "order".  SOOO, I have to figure out how to find some sort of balance.

Its all about the culture.  Here, culture says you tell someone what you think they want to hear.  You are told what it is folks assume is the answer you want.  Folks don't want to be the bearer of bad news, so you just aren't told.  That includes extremely bad news (like your container has been in an accident and almost all of your things are gone) to just run of the mill things (like no, sorry the electrician cannot come today, but he will try again tomorrow).  It seems to never be the full truth, never completely honest. 

For someone who wants to be communicated with, regardless of the TYPE of news, I find this a very hard way to live.  I would rather just be told, so I can make arrangements for my day, so I can begin to process any bad news that may have happened, so I can have a better idea of what is going on.  If I am going to get upset, I would rather only get upset at the situation from the beginning, as when the information finally comes, then I am upset by the fact that I wasn't told as well.  Double the frustration...and super annoying.

I have come to my own conclusion of what "today" means....or at least this is what I am choosing to believe so that it doesn't continue to drive me crazy.  It is the meaning that I have come to understand in Hebrews 4:7.  "he appoints a certain day, TODAY."  EVERYDAY is today...when the day comes, each day that we wake up to is "today"....so THIS is how I choose to define it when they tell me, "yes, the repairman is coming today", even when I know they actually won't, but on whatever day he does finally arrive...it will in fact be "today".

That may seem crazy, but that is what I have decided to do so I don't go crazy.  It helps in THIS situation.  And for this I am grateful.

NOW, I just have to find a way to make the "button" of not being listened to shrink.  I continue to seek the LORD for help, but I am not getting very far.  BUT, I have come to learn in situations like this, it is because HE is wanting to deal with something deeper....WAY deep down, and just perhaps I am the one not letting HIM do that yet....so that is something I need to surrender to HIM.  HE never forces HIS way in HIS work...HE will force the issue, but we still have to make the decision to go there with HIM......and I that is what I need to do.

Thanks for letting me process.  I am not even sure any of this will make any sense to anyone but me, but at least I got it out of my head for a while.

Anne

Abakyala (a-ba-CHA-la)

 The Ladies.  The amazing ladies of Uganda.

     I had the privilege a few weeks ago to go out west to Masaka Uganda.  This was my second trip there since I arrived with some ladies from the US starting a ministry called Sisters of Hope International (SOHI).  They desire to help women, to give business training and teach them skills to help them better support their families.  But they want to do more than just give a them skills, they want to care for the WHOLE woman: physically, financially, emotionally, and spiritually. I don't know what GOD has planned, but it is an interesting possibility of future partnership.
     Regardless of what the future holds for me, this is about the women, these amazing women.  The group we met with in Masaka are caregivers and mentors in a child sponsorship program.  They help to care for and encourage the children in their studies and in their walk with the LORD.  Some of them are single mothers; some of them are beaten often; some of them have husbands who have taken other wives; some of them have been abandoned with several children.  Some try to seek help from local authorities, but when the man that beats you is one of those with authority, they find themselves without many places to go for help.  They have very little, but give to other children in addition to their own.  They want to learn, they want to make their lives better for their families.

     We met with these women and listened to the dreams they have for the future.  Dreams of learning a skill, dreams of learning to write, dreams of learning to do basic math to run a business better, dreams of HAVING a business. We also heard a bit of their hearts; hurts they have, struggles they face.  They hope for a person to come and listen to them, to help them, to encourage them.  I don't know how the LORD will answer their prayers, but I do believe HE will.
     I will be going back to Masaka in the coming months to live there for 3 weeks or so for the purposes of Luganda learning.  I pray the LORD also gives me opportunities to sit down with some of them one on one to listen to them, to learn from them, and pray with them.  And LORD willing, maybe HE will even see fit to help me to encourage some of them in some way.  I say again, I don't know what GOD has planned, but I know HE brought me here for these women, the women of Uganda.....the hurting and the broken....the ones who feel forgotten by the rest of the world at times.

     This past week, I go to do something a little "bigger". Bigger in terms of actually getting to speak to a group of almost 100 ladies.  I got to share with them on the Theology of Abuse.  GOD actually has an awful lot to say about it in HIS word, and I got to share some of what I have learned over the last several years.
     This group of women was different.  This group of ladies consisted of those in university, or those who had already graduated and are professionals working.  This group of ladies didn't have dreams of learning to read and write as they know how to do that. BUT, this group of ladies still want something better for their children, for their families, for their nation. They, like their sisters out in Masaka, have suffered many abuses.  They have been used by men for sex and then been abandoned, sometimes with a child; they have felt unloved by their families; they have been beaten and belittled at times.
     Abuse is rampant all over the world, and Uganda has not escaped it, the estimated percentages are actually pretty high.  My prayer in sharing with this group of university and professional ladies was to open the door for them to talk. To invite them into a conversation where maybe small steps can be taken to start healing, not only themselves, but their sisters, and hopefully one day a culture and a nation.
     I don't share glimpses of their lives here to invoke pity. They don't feel sorry for themselves, to them it is just a part of their life.  I share this to ask you to pray, for them and with them because it is only GOD and HIS HOLY SPIRIT that will change the hearts and minds of the people in this country and in countries all over the world.

     I look at the vast size of this "job" I have been called to and just want to run and hide.  I don't feel equipped to do anything to change the atmosphere and culture of abuse that exists here, on this continent, in this world.  The truth is, I am not equipped...but GOD is equipping me.  HE is doing this, and HE has called me here.  HE wants to set the captives free, HE wants to make beauty from ashes, HE wants to redeem. So, I try my best to follow HIM, to take the next step HE has for me.  I don't want my fear and my limitations to hinder what HE wants to do, so I am just trying to cling to HIM and go where HE wants me to go when HE says go.
     I hold on to HIS promises.....because, "With GOD, all things are possible" (Matt. 19:26)  I don't know how to help these amazing women, all I know is they need more of HIM,  JUST LIKE I DO!!!

Abakyala......KATONDA Amannyi!!!  KATONDA Afaayo!!!

a bit of an unusual month...

Well, I am already behind on my goal of posting once a week, but January was a kind of a crazy month.  I was gone for almost a week to Kasesse out in the west, home for a day and then off to a training session for a week, and then came home to computer problems.  After two plus weeks of fighting with it, I finally think I have it up and running normally again...safe and secure, but it has been very frustrating.

Anyway, I am moving forward...and trying to blog as promised.

Not really sure what to share.  I traveled to a part of the country I had not yet been and on my first safari here in Uganda, and it was quite amazing.  Always refreshing and such an amazing joy to see and ponder YAHWEH's creation.  Such beautiful landscapes, beautiful people, and amazing animals.  Just awe-inspiring.

We drove past tea plantations, met with church leadership who want to start a medical clinic to serve their community, and visited another church who had begun to lay the foundation for their new building.  You can see the wall's foundation below, and the older building in the background.  They are planning BIG, and that to me is very cool.  It was amazing to be in the part of the country where the mission I now work for started their legacy in this country.

We ended to trip with a trip to Queen Elizabeth National Park.  It was an amazing day of hunting for and "shooting"...with my camera of course, so many amazing animals.  Including HUNDREDS of elephants at all ranges of age.  It was very cool.  This particular park has no giraffe or zebra, but we saw almost everything else there was to see there, so we were VERY happy.  And of course, you can't travel back and forth across the equator (I think I did 6 times on this trip) without the token "Equator Picture".

We stopped at a roadside market on our way back to town...so I snuck this picture.  It is much harder to take then in Kampala, so I was happy to get this one.  SOOO colorful.


So to close this one, I will include a few picture from our Safari.  More soon....at least that is the goal.

SOOOOO

MANY!!!!

And such cute little ones.  It was truly
AMAZING!

Let's Try again...a New Year, a new goal.

Well, I guess my "Coming Soon" didn't quite happen as I had hoped.  A little more than a year and half later, I am finally writing on here again.  I have just spent my second Christmas in Uganda, but this one was a bit different from last year for sure.  

For starters, I actually had my own decorations, I introduced some of my teammates to my own family traditions, and I even had Christmas presents for Christmas and not Valentine's day.  

The weekend between Christmas and New Years, I went to a hotel here in Kampala for a bit of a retreat.  I had been setting a little bit aside each month to do so, with hopes to go somewhere for some alone time with the LORD every few months, but that didn't happen.  SOOO, I decided to just get "away" for a weekend here in town, room and board (except for drinks for some odd reason) were included at a hotel here that has a HUGE pool and is right on Lake Victoria.  It was okay, but I am honestly not sure how often I will go back.

Anyway, my weekend away was just to take some time to reflect on the last year a bit more as I have been doing quite a bit of that lately, spend some intensive time in prayer and silence, journal, and DREAM!

Dreaming is not something I do very often...not something I think about a lot.  I don't think I ever really let myself dream very often...it is almost too scary.  Past hurts have kept me from looking forward to too much...setting expectations too high, after all, when you have expectations and they are not met, that is when you get hurt, right?  I think that is part of the reason I have not let myself dream.

BUT, that is something that is changing.  That is something the LORD is changing.  As I look back over things lost, expectations not met, plans that have changed, relationships that have been lost, I realize, I have done a very poor job of grieving at times.  I have not completed those "hurts" so to speak, and as a result, they can still cause pain, twinges if you will, at different times.  So that is one thing I have been doing...walking through some of these things.  Looking at them, asking the LORD to show me what HE sees in them, and asking HIM to heal them, to help me let them go.

In doing that, I am also asking HIM to help me look forward.  I am asking HIM to show me how to dream...HIS way.  I am asking HIM to help me look to the future and for HIM to show me what HE sees for me.

One of the goals I have set for myself is to actually journal more.  To journal consistently.  And a portion of that goal is to share here on my blog.  I set this up several years ago when I was battling cancer.  It was actually helpful to me to process at times, but then life got back to "normal", whatever that is...I guess I should say it go back to BUSY..and I didn't blog anymore.  

Anyway, I have had some friends encourage me to get back to it.  To give them an opportunity to see more of a "day to day" life so to speak for me here in Uganda.  I am not promising daily blogs for sure, but my goal is to post SOMETHING at least once a week.  Even if it is just a picture and a few thoughts.  

So I am asking you....help me do this.   If you want to follow along, please do, and if I am not writing / posting etc, at least some pictures, then call me on it.  I am hoping just by putting this out there that I will be more consistent in my efforts.

So, now that I have at least "broken the ice", I will share just a few pictures from Christmas Eve and Christmas day.  The above is my Christmas tree...all decked out in lights and ornaments, some more than 45 years old or so that my grandparents made.  I am so grateful to have them with me, but the story of why that almost wasn't true, I can share a bit later.  RIght  above, this is the "fire place" made with the extremely creative friends of mine made from card board and a great paint job, complete with a "fire" that we sure did need with it 80+ degrees outsied, and stocking hung with care.

And now, me in my Starbuck's apron, but not making lattes, but making sausage balls (gluten free version for my hosts) as one of the "Laine" family traditions I shared.  Appearently they were a hit!!! And that made me very happy.  

That's Dan-o showing off the finished product.....he was my helper in rolling all those puppies up.  So fun.  We of course had to cook up a few to taste test on Christmas eve to make sure they would be Christmas breakfast worthy.  I think I knew that they were okay when we ALMOST called a teammate that my hosts had invited at the last minute called them back to "un"invite them for breakfast.  Of course we didn't, but it DID cross our minds.  We of course had plenty, even had some to bring home with me after we were all done on Christmas day.

And here is one of me making some cookies with dan-o and meg making cookies.  Turns out they are the same cookies as the "christmas tree" ones my mom used to make, again gluten free, but still yummy.  

One of the traditions of my friends who hosted me is to put on a Christmas "play".  Whoever is in attendance plays a part.  The picture below is "Mary and Joseph" getting settled in the stable.  We had Mary, Jospeh (also the narator), the innkeeper (also the videographer) Gabriel, Shepherds (me and dan-o), and a wise -man.  We also had a guest appearance of the non-newborn Jesus.....dan-o and his sisters baby sister (in the carrier on Joseph), but she was only introduced when the wise-man arrived, wanted to be true to Scripture as much as we could.  It was great fun, and I may even post one of the videos on here next time if I get brave enough.

ANYWAY, I will not end my first post....hopefully the first of AT LEAST 52 this year.  That is my goal.

I hope you have a blessed 2014....filled with HIS PEACE and JOY.

until next time
in HIM     Anne

COMING SOON.......

WOW. really didn't think it would be five years before I made an entry here....but time goes on, LIFE goes on. Lots has happened.  my my....where to start:  well, since most of my other posts were about my cancer, let me start by saying....I am CANCER FREE....Praise GOD above.....officially a 5 year survivor.


Other news, I graduated from Phoenix Seminary in 2008 and went to Israel as a graduation present to me....such an awesome trip.  I read the Bible differently now.....hard to explain, but it is different.

Probably the news to share....I am officially a missionary appointee to Uganda Africa with an agency called WorldVenture.  I was appointed in 2008 and it has been a very long, winding, hard, exciting, and at times extremely painful journey.....thus, much like life.  I have learned a lot, and continue to be shown just how much more I have to learn.  But that is all part of the journey we are on.

I decided I should try my hand at the blogging thing again as an attempt to let anyonw who may be interested follow along the journey, etc. when I move to Uganda. Not sure exactly when that will be, but hoping for this year, so I figured I should probably start sooner rather than later.

soooo...please bear with me as I try and update, make changes, etc. to this site. I don't like to play around with technology to figure things out....i get to frustrated, so even putting the tabs on the top here was like a 3 hour process....okay, maybe not that long, but still....frustrating to me. I will attempt to add some links to the mission agency, ways to sign up for my newsletters, etc....just please have patience with me.

well, that is all I wanted to say for now.....that changes will be coming soon.

thanks so much for your time.
in HIM

anne

hard decisions....

Well, now that I have finally updated what has gone on in 2006, I will fill folks in on what has happened the first 5 months or so of this year.

After asking around a lot, I finally found a new surgeon and a plastic surgeon for reconstruction. All scans and mammograms were clean in January and February, so I felt pretty confident. It was a hard decision knowing that things looked good to go ahead with the double mastectomy, but the emotional roller coaster of the past year and a half had been too much to have to keep doing every 6 months, so the surgery was planned for April 3rd.

I had the surgery, and though I kept waiting for the big emotional meltdown, it never happened. It has been strange to get used to such a major part of your body missing, but it has felt very natural in a weird way. It is not exactly the most beautiful think right now as the surgeon left extra skin to have more to work with when I start the reconstruction. That is comforting, as I know it won't look like it does for the rest of my life....there is hope there. The best thing about it....NO BRAS....what freedom....HEHEHE

About a week after my surgery, I got a call from my surgeon. It is standard of care for them to send all tissue to pathology from surgery, and he was calling to give me the results of that report. I was, of course, expecting it to be nothing, all normal tissue. BUT, as with everything about my case over the last 2 years, nothing is normal. I had 2mm of what they call DCIS, kind of a group of cancer cells confined to a specific area, coming back on the left side. I couldn't believe it. After 6 months of chemo, and a year of herceptin, it was coming back in less than 6 months of finishing all that. By God's grace, it was confined to that specific area and had not infiltrated any surrounding tissue so it has not spread. All nodes they checked were also negative. With the surgery, the cancer was gone with no chance of it coming back now since all the breast tissue was gong. I was shocked, and yet relieved all at the same time.

You see, I looked at this as confirmation that I made the right decision. I knew it was what I needed to do, yet at times wondered if it was really necessary. I had prayed about the decision and God had given me peace about it, but I still wondered if it was what I was supposed to do, if it is what I had to do. Well, with the test results, all doubt I had about having the surgery disappeared. I was amazed by God's timing in all this....if I had done the surgery in January as planned, who knows if they would have been able to see any evidence of the cancer. I was amazed, and incredibly thankful.

During the time I was off work recovering from the mastectomy, I finally had made the decision to go and talk to a gynecologist/oncologist about my ovaries. The genetic mutation I have also puts me at higher risk for ovarian cancer. Every physician that I had seen for the last 6-8 months had been asking me what I planned to do with my ovaries. I had more or less refused to think about it for the last 2 years, the acutal cancer was enough to deal with, I didn't want to think about the maybes....the possibilities. But I couldn't put it off anymore. Especially in light of the results from the mastectomy. This was a persistent disease, and even though I know it is a completely different kind of cancer, I don't feel like I want to take the risk.

When I saw the gyn/onc doctor, he confirmed, yes, I needed to do this. He said they could scan me every 3-6 months and it could still be missed. Ovarian cancer is nothing to mess around with. We don't have very good tests to detect it, and that is why it is so horrible, we generally don't catch it as early.

So, now the decision has been made. The surgery is scheduled for June 15, 2007. Just 2 days after my 38th birthday I will have a complete hysterectomy. This has been a lot harder than the mastectomy, and in some ways harder than all I have been through in the last 2 years. This just seems more permanent. No children of my own, ever. Menopause with a pretty high potential for hot flashes....and in AZ in the summer, I don't see that being very fun. Overall, the whole thing pretty much stinks....but it could also save my life.....a preventative hysterectomy could save my life. My ability to give life will be gone, but I could be saving my own. I don't know, its just really hard.

Anyway, as I said, the decision has been made. The surgery is scheduled. And other than a few bumps along the way, I am doing okay with the decision. God has been working with me on some things, calming a lot of fears that I have, and giving me a sense of peace about it.

So that is what is coming up in the next 2 weeks. After the hysterectomy, they will let me start the process of the reconstruction, so there will be more surgery after that as well. I just figure the sooner I get everything started, the sooner I will be done. Maybe all of it will be done by march of next year....which still seems pretty far away, but at least there is an end in sight.

Well, now that I have updated the details of life in general, hopefully next time I can talk about some of the things God has been showing me through this experience of life.....

till then.

in HIM
anne

wow, it has REALLY been a while.

I knew it had been a while since I had written in this, but when I saw it has been more a year...well time flies I guess. I tried to get in a couple of months ago, but I couldn't remember my password. Thank goodness Google changed their format or whatever. hehe.

So, I guess to update quickly, I will try and give the highlights of 2006.

I finished chemo (at least the really hard stuff) in February.

I returned to work in March.

Soon after I returned to work, my second niece was born...Bryar Jenna. To celebrate, I made my first trip post chemo to Virginia to see my brother and his family. I was a little nervous that Sage, the 2 year old, would be scared of me...I didn't exactly look like myself. I had no hair, or at most a little fuzz, and my face was really puffy from tons of steroids. But she was fine. She rubbed my "hair", called me "puppy head" and moved on. Kids are great.

June meant another birthday and another mammogram. Not sure how they ended up in the months of my birthday and Christmas, but they aren't the best presents one could have. The initial news was a bit stressful. They saw what they questioned as an enlarged lymph node. Turned out to be two of them hanging out together having a party and when they got mashed, it looked like one big one. SO, they gave me the green light for another 6 months.

The hardest thing over the course of 2006 occurred labor day weekend. My dog Zac had started having problems getting around at the beginning of the summer. I even took him to doggie physical therapy for about 3 months (who knew they had such a thing). Anyway, he continued to get worse. I made the incredibly hard decision to let him go on Sept. 2. It was the Saturday of labor day weekend, 13 years exactly from when I had brought him home from the pound in VA. I cried more over that decision than I did over my own cancer. He was a great companion over the last 13 years...and I miss him a ton, but I know I made the right decision.

I made another trip back east in September, actually my first vacation since all this started. I went to NY for a friend's wedding and hooked up with some other friends from grad school. I decided I could not go to the east coast without seeing my nieces, so I drove 8 hours to VA to see them for 3 days and returned to NY for the wedding. Yeah, I'm crazy, some things don't change.

Then I got more distressing news: the sudden death of my surgeon, Dr. Troy Brinkerhoff on October 1, the first day for breast cancer awareness month. This was a HUGE shock to the entire medical community here in the east valley, not to mention his famiy and patients. He was a great man and great surgeon who had devoted his practice to helping women fight this disease. I couldn't believe it. I really trusted Dr. Brinkerhoff, and the thought of having to start the process of looking for another surgeon was too overwhelming. So I didn't, at least not right away.

In December, I finished the last of my Herceptin treatments. 52 weeks of going to the doctors every Thursday was now behind me. It was AWESOME.

Christmas this year was great...the entire family came out to AZ. It was quite the event with 9 adults and 2 little ones. There was no way we would all fit into my little condo, but the Lord provided for that. Some friends let me borrow their home. They had moved to TX, but their house was still on the market here in town, completely furnished as they had not yet moved their furniture. It was the perfect size, and we all had a really great time. It was particularly awesome to spend an entire week with my nieces, especially since all our visits before were 3 days at the most.

Right after everyone left, I had yet another mammogram, but this time they said everything was stable....I was clean. NO EVIDENCE OF CANCER. It was a great ending to a long year.

Well, that was 2006. 2007 has started off in some pretty interesting ways, but I will share that in the next entry. I hope to do that soon.

This whole BLOG started off to be a way I could work through things and get things out of my head....and I have an awful lot of things I need to get out these days. I have some more to share about what God has been showing me too. I don't know what it was I had to share from the last entry...but I am sure the Lord will remind me if it is that important.

Till then.

in HIM

anne

well, Happy New Year....

wow, it has been a while since i posted anything. but oh well. i have to remember this exercise is supposed to be for me, to process things out of my head. only, i have been keeping way to much in my head, or perhaps a better way to state that, i have been attempting to ignore it.

the last couple of months have been interesting. i completed the first half of my chemo in the beginning of November. however in that same week, i think the longevity of this entire process finally hit me. the same week i got a note from my surgeon telling me it was time for my 6 month mammogram (i will have the privaledge of having them that often now unless/or until surgery is completed...yippee). anyway, it is hard to believe that December was 6 months into this, and i still have well over a year to go...well, actually the rest of my life to deal with all of this. then when i got to my chemo treatment for that week, i learned that even though it had not been discussed with me yet, the thought by my oncologist would be to divide my chemo dose to be given every week, instead of every 3 starting with my new regiman in december. now the total dose is the same, but there was a psychological thing in my brain, poison everyweek, no time off between to recover. GREAT. doing it this way is supposed to be more tolerable. not effecting your cell counts as much, but still, every week. WOW.

well, i am happy to report that i am now 1/2 way through this round of chemo, and though it is hard getting it everyweek, it is becoming part of the routine. the hardest thing i am having trouble with is keeping my fluid status balanced. they have me on HUGE doses of steroids to try and keep any infusion reactions at bay, but they tend to cause problems on multiple fronts like fliud, sleep cycle disturbances, wierd dreams, wacky blood sugars, etc. and that can be at normal doses, but 10 times a "normal dose" in 36 hours every week has made it really interesting. If all goes well, my oncologist may cut it in half in the next couple of weeks, or so i am hoping. the other main thing with this round is numbness in my feet/lower legs/ and hands. called neuropathies, and it is getting sligtly worse with each cycle, but is not totally unbearable i guess. i have heard of othe people having a lot of problems with it, so i am just waiting it out.

the other medication i started in december it the one i get every week for a year. for some reason 6 down of 52 sounds too depressing, so this one i will count by months or something until we get a little closer, so i am 1 and 1/2 months down, 10 and 1/2 months to go :)

well enough of that, i just wanted to update things i guess. like i said, the longevity of this process i think has finally started to set in, and to be honest for a couple days there, it was just simply too overwhelming. i guess i sort of had my own little pity party, and was not very open in showing too many folks that. i have gotten so much encouragement, which i so very appreciate. and people have continued to tell me how strong and courageous i was being, i guess i felt like i couldn't really show that at times i am not always that strong. but then i figured, i have been, so if i need to have a pity party for myself, then that is what i needed to do. it would pass, and in a couple of days it did. but it has gotten kind of tiring talking about this stuff at times. i want people to feel free and ask how i am doing because i know they care and are asking out of concern, but sometimes it is just hard. you get tired of being tired, of nothing tasting right, of going to doctors ALL the time, of going to pee evey hour, etc, etc, etc. So please forgive me if at some point over the past couple of months, i haven't felt much like sharing, it was just easier to keep it locked up....but now, it is time for it to be let go.

i am surviving. and i will continue to do so.....

more later on an interesting development on my spiritual walk.

In HIM

anne

deer creek fall, Grand Canyon

Undone

as i was driving to church yesterday...the CD in my stereo happened to start at this song. i have heard it a thousand times, but this time i guess i really listened...i just wanted to post the lyrics.

Undone, by Mercy Me.....

No apologies
For who I'm meant to be
The only thing that matters is
I am Free
When I am overwhelmed
Holding pieces of my heart
When i feel my world
Start to fall apart.....

To the cross I run
Holding high my chains undone
Now I am finally free
Free to be what I've become
Undone.

Even in defeat
The face of tragedy
Still you'd have to say that
I found victory
In brokenness comes beauty
Divine fragility
Reminding me of nail scarred hands
Reaching out to me

my, what a year...

i have had a few folks ask why i have not blogged in a while, so here you go. i was waiting for some inspiration and i got some this weekend.

since starting my chemo, i have not been out a lot. partly because i have had family staying with me and it felt weird going out...part of me still felt like i had to be a "hostess". mostly, however, it has been because i have been really tired. but when i got an invitation to go and hang out with some friends from where i used to work for a "girls night out", i decided to go for it. all my company has left, i have enjoyed the peace and quiet for a week, so why not. i took a good 2 hour nap before it was time to go. naps are becoming a standard in my day due to the fatigue related to my treatments, something that has been quite difficult for me to get used to.

this group of women are some of the people that i used to work with, actually it is a year ago this week since i left that position and went back to the hospital. as i was sitting there talking to some of them, none of us could believe it has been a year since i left, including myself. since then, i have thinking a lot about how my life has changed in the last year.

even though i no longer work with these guys, they have been incredibly supportive. the whole office even sent me flowers right after i got my diagnosis. i was only at the position for 18 months, but i feel like i had an awesome opportunity to get to know some of them, to share my heart with them, and most importantly i got to listen to them as well.

i had no idea at the time why i felt i was supposed to take the position at that company, but it soon became very evident that it was a God thing, and He had plans. it was the first place i have ever worked that i felt like it was a "mission field" in the sense that i could share with people what God was doing in my life, and even if the person was not a believer, i was able to support, respect and probably most importantly really listen to them. basically i was able to be authentic. this is something that most of my life i have been too afraid to do. but now thanks to the work the Lord has done in me, i really desire to have those types of relationships. i had the opportunity to pray with and for many of my co-workers. i miss working with them, but am also grateful that we can still get together and hang out...and we don't even talk about work, it is awesome :)

in the year since i have left, i have worked nights for a while, been to India for a mission trip, and found a church home. i have also taken my first ever incomplete in a college/graduate level class, and for a former performance addict, that was a really humbling experience. i have also experienced some of the worst spiritual oppression i have ever known, and have been diagnosed with breast cancer. there are lots of other things that have happened, but those are some pretty big ones.

in talking to one of the women the other night, a somewhat painful topic came up. one of the closer friendships that developed during my employment there has dissolved in the last year. it was very hurtful to be completely cut off from a friend, especially during a difficult time, but the Lord showed me a lot about myself, this other person, and our friendship.

i was asked if i was sorry i had been friends with this person, and i can honestly say absolutely not. i still feel as if the Lord ordained it and made it happen, and this person was used in my life to make me stronger and to heal a lot of wounds. i hope that the Lord used me in their life too. i honestly can look back over the last 6 months and know that God has also played a part in separating us. it was the other person's decision to cut things off, but i also know God is in control and is sovereign, and this has been His way of protecting me. so as much as the hurt may still linger at times, i know it is all in God's control, and if it is in His will, the relationship still has a chance of being mended, but i know it will never be the same.

what made me really angry about the whole situation was the influence it had on other people. i had heard that one of our other coworkers from that time was angry when they saw how a "friend" was treating me during a time when i needed people standing beside me as i found out about my diagnosis. they saw it as typical of how "Christians" act...hypocritical.

i was devastated... i have grown up in the church, and ran from it for a really long time because of the hypocrisy that i saw and hated. i don't know where that person stands in their relationship with God and Christ, but i really hope they can forgive me for any part of the situation that i played in them seeing Christians in a negative light. i hate hypocrisy as well, and i ask any non-believer, or any person for that matter, that you please not judge the world's perfect Savior on the actions of His imperfect human representatives.

Jesus told us that we will be known by the love we show to others. and i know that to many, it often looks like there is not a lot of love at all. unfortunately we are all fallen, all sinful, and all evil in our flesh. BUT, as Christians it is the personal relationship we have with Christ and the new person we are in Him that saves us and allows us to love others. unfortunately we won't be perfect at it until we meet Him in heaven. we all still have our own hurts, wounds, baggage and lies that we carry around with us, and it affects the way we treat people, even the ones we care about.

i know that in my own life, the truth that Christ has shown me and the wounds He has healed through that has allowed me to see people in a different way. it has allowed me to see just some of their woundedness since i am less busy looking at my own. it allows me to give them grace in the same way that God has given it to me, though His gift is way beyond what i can even comprehend. it is this grace which i am thankful for everyday.

as believers we do have a responsibility not only to share Christ with people as the one and only way to salvation, but we also should give people a reason to even want it by seeing that our lives are different. by no means do we have less struggles, or perfect lives, but we have a strength to persevere and a hope that will always remain. i am not talking about legalism and working our way to goodness, i am talking about realizing the grace and love that we have been given by God in the gift of His Son, Jesus Christ, and resting in the work He already completed on the cross.

as we better understand His grace and learn what His unconditional love actually feels like, we can in turn give that to others, and forgive as we have been forgiven. i have forgiven this person, but that doesn't mean the pain is completely gone. it is better, but anytime you loose a person you trusted it hurts. and it takes time.

anyway, i thank those men and women that i worked with for that period of time. they helped to shape me in ways they will never know. i still can't believe it has been a year since i left them, but i know we can still keep in touch, and i know they are supporting me during this time in my life. THANKS AGAIN.

in HIM.

anne

havasu canyon, grand canyon

2 down, 6 to go...

that's right, i had my second treatment. it went well in that the new medication i was given helped even more with the nausea. the hardest thing to get used to is the fatigue that i have been experiencing. it is really strange. you feel fine and then all of a sudden, it is like your brain just shuts down....it almost feels like a big shade is being pulled down, and that is it...no more brain function for a while.

my hair is history. people kept telling me i would need to sleep in a cap so i would not get cold. well that has not been a problem....i feel like my head is constantly sweating. as a result, no wig yet. it has to get cooler out here in the desert before i get one of those...hats and scaves will have to do.

i have my next treatment this friday, on the 14th. one more closer to being done, and that is what i am looking towards for now. i know more surgery will be down the road, and there will be more hard decisions ahead, but i will focus on one day at a time for now.....

anyway. more later,

anne

what fun...

so much can you handle?

i got an e-mail the other day that got me thinking. i have gotten many e-mails from friends and family since all this started, some from people i have not seen or heard from in probably 5-6 years, and it has been awesome. it is amazing to know that people from across the country, and even on the other side of the world are praying for you and thinking about you.

anyway, this e-mail contained a statement that i myself have told people several times to encourage them. it is an encouraging statement, i know that is how it was meant, and i have actually been told it on several occasions at various times in my life. the difference now, i think, is that God has been working on me to rest in Him. based on this shift in my paradigm, the statement of "God never gives us more than we can handle" does not seem to be so true anymore. let me explain...

God does say in scripture that when we are tempted, He will give us a way out. (1 Cor. 10:13). He will not allow us to be tempted beyond what we can bear. but this is temptation. this has nothing to do with trying circumstances...nothing to do with "suffering" for lack of a better word.
as i said, i have told many people who were struggling with difficult situations that same thing, to be encouraging. it has been only recently that i have begun to think of this differently. the reason i see this differently now is that i think He does give us more than we can handle...He can even really load it on sometimes...not to make us fail, but so that we will look to Him.

i know there is no way i could be "handling" any of this at all without Him in the midst of it. but i also know that it seems He has been trying to get my attention. trying to get me to stop doing everything on my own strength, and well, i have been so good at doing things on my own, it has taken a lot to get to the point of being beyond what i think i can handle. i have given up...i can't do it...only He can handle this. i have known "God is in control" at least in the big scheme of things, and i thank Him for that everyday. but there is a big difference in knowing he is control of the big picture versus letting Him have control of the minute by minute stuff and decisions that we have to deal with everyday. that is what has been hard to give up to Him.

He does give us more than we can handle so that we will turn to Him and depend on Him to do whatever it is that is put in front of us. He doesn't do it to punish us, but because He loves us. He wants us in such an intimate relationship with Him that the Holy Spirit and our spirit are so intermingled we don't even have to think about it. we just live with the confidence that we are in His will...we know everything that happens is taken care of by the strength of our Almighty Father, the Perfect Son, and His indwelling Spirit that is working within us.

so anyway, the way i see things now, God does give us more than we can handle, and we can thank Him that He does...because this is how He grows and matures our faith and walk with Him. if we keep going under our own power, we may never get to that point of utter desparation and surrender.

there may be folks out there that do not agree, and that is fine...this is just what i feel like i am learning...and i wanted to share.

thanks for reading....

in HIM.

anne

river to nowhere...so it seems

surviving....at least round 1

well, i am happy to report that i managed to survive round one of chemo with no puking involved. i went to walmart the morning of the first session and bought a bucket...just in case. better to be prepared, right. my oncologist was very nice and liberal with the nausea medications, so i was able to kind of formulate my own cocktail to take something to ward off any problems about every 4 hours....i guess i did learn something working for hospice for a year and a half :)

the main adjustment has been just being tired a lot more, and it can come on very suddenly. i have been off work the last 2 weeks unsure of how i would feel, so that has been nice....boring at times, but nice. i hope to go back in for a couple of hours each day this next week...only to get hit again by the next round on friday...6 days from now.

to share a little bit about the whole experience....they have a "chemo room" at the doctors office where everyone goes to recieve their infusions/medicatoins. it is a large room with about 15-18 recliners in a big semicircle around a nurses station. the chemo nurses are all really nice, and give each patient the standard instructions/drug information before each round is started. the RN asked me if she had heard correctly that i was a pharmacist, and after my answer apologized that the information would be rather basic. i told her that was fine with me...as far as i am concerned, i am a patient in there, not a health professional. i guess they used to have a TV in the room, but there used to be to many arguments over whether to watch Maury or Springer so they had to take it out....whatever. people can bring in whatever to read or listen to if they want. you can even take your laptop and watch a movie if you want. my treatment takes about 2 hours each time, but there are some folks that are there for 12 hours....WOW.

one thing i did think was interesting was part of the "sex" talk they give you. of course condoms are highly recommended...it is not really a great idea to get pregnant when you are getting chemotherapy, as you may imagine...no telling what would happen. what surprised me was that the RN staff basically told me that if a patient does get pregnant, they would stongly counsel the patient to have an abortion. i don't want to get started on any such discussion on this blog, but i just thought that was interesting. i don't exactly have anything to worry about at this time in my life, but i still got the "lecture".

the hardest thing emotionally i have had to deal with this last week was waiting for my hair to start falling out. the doctor told me it would be about 14 days....and it was 13.5. sitting watching CSI on thursday, i first noticed it. i knew it was coming, actually it had kept me awake a couple of nights this week thinking and wondering about it.

i don't really consider myself high maintenance, and it was not the fact that i would lose my hair and be bald....actually with the medication i am on, it is practically completely hairless...even eye brows and eye lashes. anyway, it was not that i will look different, it is more about the fact that this means i am really sick, and i will have a constant reminder of that. i have had 3 surgeries with 7 scars since june, and one of them included implanting this plastic disk under my skin that is raised up and visible on my upper chest....but these are all covered and unnoticable most of the time. now, with no hair, it meant i have a constant reminder that something is physically not quite right. it kind of represents the last bit of being "normal" i have being gone. at least that is how i have felt.

anyway, i thought i was preparing myself for it, but as a friend of mine who went thru chemo as a young teenager told me, until it happens, you can't really know how you will react. she was right. i didn't freak out right away, but i did sleep in one of my baseball caps all night. the thought of waking up to hair all over my pillow was too stressful. i even skipped the shower the next morning before i went to meet my hairstylist. shampooing up and having clumps come out was not an option. Julie, my stylist, is awesome, she met me at the shop on her day off. she shampooed my hair, and then we took out the clippers. she shaved it off to a nice short buzz cut as i sat there with a few tears flowing...but in a matter of minutes, all the length was gone. we decided to stop there for now, she needed a new blade for her clippers and did not want to risk slicing my head open. she told me at the first sign of any patches to call her, and we would do the rest. at first i was not so sure, i thought it would be easier to have it all gone at once, but i am glad we are doing it in "steps". it is still weird, but i am adjusting.

well, that is it for now.... like i said, i have another treatment on this coming friday, the 23rd. but my anxiety is much lower going into this one...i at least have a comparison now.

chat more later....

in HIM.
anne

red wall cavern, Grand Canyon

so...now the next step.

it seems it has been a little bit since i have written, so i will give a little update.

almost 2 weeks ago, i found out the results of my genetic testing. i learned that i do in fact have a mutation on one of the known breast cancer genes. this increases my risk of the breast cancer returning as well as potentially developing ovarian cancer. on some level, i guess that i knew the results even before i saw them on paper...that is just the way all this has gone since the beginning.

the next big question then, do i have surgery now, or wait until after my chemotherapy. i had decided even before the results were back that if they were positive, i would have a double mastectomy and reconstuction to reduce my risk, at least as much as possible, of having to go through all this again. besides, i still feel as if i am called to the mission field. this is not something i want to have to worry about or even think a lot about while potentially overseas somewhere in the future. God has blessed me with so much now, including good health insurance and an income that will allow me to take care of things now. as much as more surgery scares me, i have peace about this decision, and will proceed when appropriate.

at my appointment with the oncologist the next day, it was decided that chemo would be done first, and surgery would wait until after all drug treatment was completed, almost a year and a half from now. in some ways, i would rather have surgery. being told i would start chemo in 2 weeks made this all too real.

as each day has passed, i have gotten more and more anxious and honestly scared about starting chemo. now i start in 2 days...on friday september 2nd. i am terrified of being sick. potentially having uncontrollable nausea/vomiting is not something most people ever want to experience, but it absolutely terrifies me. i know most of this is in my head...i have an unnatural fear of vomiting, almost paralyzing in fact.

i was talking with a colleague yesterday that has another friend who was also diagnosed with breast cancer around the same time i was. her friend just started chemo last week. i asked my friend how her other friend was doing. appearently she was not tolerating it so well and had been puking her guts out for the last 5 days. not exactly something i wanted to hear, but hey, better to be prepared, right?

i have no idea what will happen. i am praying for minimal, or at least managable nausea. i talked to my oncologist about my concern in my very first meeting with him. he said he would throw the book at me with every drug possible if necessary, and i thought that sounded like a great idea.

another thing that i been forced to think about is the fact that i will more than likely loose my hair. i actually went wig shopping last week, and let me tell you, it was weird. i even tried on a few of them. i am amazed with all the options they have. they even have detachable bangs that you can velcro into your hat, or even a ring of hair you can put on under your hat so you don't have to wear a full wig and overheat, especially out here in sunny phoenix.

one of the funniest things i have heard during this process, i asked my insurance company about paying for the wigs....they do, but i will need to get a prescription from my doctor.....for a cranial prosthesis.... i almost died laughing....i am not getting a head transplant. but oh well...wonder if i can get a new brain while i am at it... :0

anyway, i am reading a book on suffering that a friend of the family gave me. it is actually pretty good...it is making me think a lot. i will write more about that later....but suffering is a GIFT. interesting concept, and not what people normally think, but i agree.

i'll write more after i experience my first round of "poison".

in HIM

anne