wow, it has been a while since i posted anything. but oh well. i have to remember this exercise is supposed to be for me, to process things out of my head. only, i have been keeping way to much in my head, or perhaps a better way to state that, i have been attempting to ignore it.
the last couple of months have been interesting. i completed the first half of my chemo in the beginning of November. however in that same week, i think the longevity of this entire process finally hit me. the same week i got a note from my surgeon telling me it was time for my 6 month mammogram (i will have the privaledge of having them that often now unless/or until surgery is completed...yippee). anyway, it is hard to believe that December was 6 months into this, and i still have well over a year to go...well, actually the rest of my life to deal with all of this. then when i got to my chemo treatment for that week, i learned that even though it had not been discussed with me yet, the thought by my oncologist would be to divide my chemo dose to be given every week, instead of every 3 starting with my new regiman in december. now the total dose is the same, but there was a psychological thing in my brain, poison everyweek, no time off between to recover. GREAT. doing it this way is supposed to be more tolerable. not effecting your cell counts as much, but still, every week. WOW.
well, i am happy to report that i am now 1/2 way through this round of chemo, and though it is hard getting it everyweek, it is becoming part of the routine. the hardest thing i am having trouble with is keeping my fluid status balanced. they have me on HUGE doses of steroids to try and keep any infusion reactions at bay, but they tend to cause problems on multiple fronts like fliud, sleep cycle disturbances, wierd dreams, wacky blood sugars, etc. and that can be at normal doses, but 10 times a "normal dose" in 36 hours every week has made it really interesting. If all goes well, my oncologist may cut it in half in the next couple of weeks, or so i am hoping. the other main thing with this round is numbness in my feet/lower legs/ and hands. called neuropathies, and it is getting sligtly worse with each cycle, but is not totally unbearable i guess. i have heard of othe people having a lot of problems with it, so i am just waiting it out.
the other medication i started in december it the one i get every week for a year. for some reason 6 down of 52 sounds too depressing, so this one i will count by months or something until we get a little closer, so i am 1 and 1/2 months down, 10 and 1/2 months to go :)
well enough of that, i just wanted to update things i guess. like i said, the longevity of this process i think has finally started to set in, and to be honest for a couple days there, it was just simply too overwhelming. i guess i sort of had my own little pity party, and was not very open in showing too many folks that. i have gotten so much encouragement, which i so very appreciate. and people have continued to tell me how strong and courageous i was being, i guess i felt like i couldn't really show that at times i am not always that strong. but then i figured, i have been, so if i need to have a pity party for myself, then that is what i needed to do. it would pass, and in a couple of days it did. but it has gotten kind of tiring talking about this stuff at times. i want people to feel free and ask how i am doing because i know they care and are asking out of concern, but sometimes it is just hard. you get tired of being tired, of nothing tasting right, of going to doctors ALL the time, of going to pee evey hour, etc, etc, etc. So please forgive me if at some point over the past couple of months, i haven't felt much like sharing, it was just easier to keep it locked up....but now, it is time for it to be let go.
i am surviving. and i will continue to do so.....
more later on an interesting development on my spiritual walk.
In HIM
anne
