my, what a year...

i have had a few folks ask why i have not blogged in a while, so here you go. i was waiting for some inspiration and i got some this weekend.

since starting my chemo, i have not been out a lot. partly because i have had family staying with me and it felt weird going out...part of me still felt like i had to be a "hostess". mostly, however, it has been because i have been really tired. but when i got an invitation to go and hang out with some friends from where i used to work for a "girls night out", i decided to go for it. all my company has left, i have enjoyed the peace and quiet for a week, so why not. i took a good 2 hour nap before it was time to go. naps are becoming a standard in my day due to the fatigue related to my treatments, something that has been quite difficult for me to get used to.

this group of women are some of the people that i used to work with, actually it is a year ago this week since i left that position and went back to the hospital. as i was sitting there talking to some of them, none of us could believe it has been a year since i left, including myself. since then, i have thinking a lot about how my life has changed in the last year.

even though i no longer work with these guys, they have been incredibly supportive. the whole office even sent me flowers right after i got my diagnosis. i was only at the position for 18 months, but i feel like i had an awesome opportunity to get to know some of them, to share my heart with them, and most importantly i got to listen to them as well.

i had no idea at the time why i felt i was supposed to take the position at that company, but it soon became very evident that it was a God thing, and He had plans. it was the first place i have ever worked that i felt like it was a "mission field" in the sense that i could share with people what God was doing in my life, and even if the person was not a believer, i was able to support, respect and probably most importantly really listen to them. basically i was able to be authentic. this is something that most of my life i have been too afraid to do. but now thanks to the work the Lord has done in me, i really desire to have those types of relationships. i had the opportunity to pray with and for many of my co-workers. i miss working with them, but am also grateful that we can still get together and hang out...and we don't even talk about work, it is awesome :)

in the year since i have left, i have worked nights for a while, been to India for a mission trip, and found a church home. i have also taken my first ever incomplete in a college/graduate level class, and for a former performance addict, that was a really humbling experience. i have also experienced some of the worst spiritual oppression i have ever known, and have been diagnosed with breast cancer. there are lots of other things that have happened, but those are some pretty big ones.

in talking to one of the women the other night, a somewhat painful topic came up. one of the closer friendships that developed during my employment there has dissolved in the last year. it was very hurtful to be completely cut off from a friend, especially during a difficult time, but the Lord showed me a lot about myself, this other person, and our friendship.

i was asked if i was sorry i had been friends with this person, and i can honestly say absolutely not. i still feel as if the Lord ordained it and made it happen, and this person was used in my life to make me stronger and to heal a lot of wounds. i hope that the Lord used me in their life too. i honestly can look back over the last 6 months and know that God has also played a part in separating us. it was the other person's decision to cut things off, but i also know God is in control and is sovereign, and this has been His way of protecting me. so as much as the hurt may still linger at times, i know it is all in God's control, and if it is in His will, the relationship still has a chance of being mended, but i know it will never be the same.

what made me really angry about the whole situation was the influence it had on other people. i had heard that one of our other coworkers from that time was angry when they saw how a "friend" was treating me during a time when i needed people standing beside me as i found out about my diagnosis. they saw it as typical of how "Christians" act...hypocritical.

i was devastated... i have grown up in the church, and ran from it for a really long time because of the hypocrisy that i saw and hated. i don't know where that person stands in their relationship with God and Christ, but i really hope they can forgive me for any part of the situation that i played in them seeing Christians in a negative light. i hate hypocrisy as well, and i ask any non-believer, or any person for that matter, that you please not judge the world's perfect Savior on the actions of His imperfect human representatives.

Jesus told us that we will be known by the love we show to others. and i know that to many, it often looks like there is not a lot of love at all. unfortunately we are all fallen, all sinful, and all evil in our flesh. BUT, as Christians it is the personal relationship we have with Christ and the new person we are in Him that saves us and allows us to love others. unfortunately we won't be perfect at it until we meet Him in heaven. we all still have our own hurts, wounds, baggage and lies that we carry around with us, and it affects the way we treat people, even the ones we care about.

i know that in my own life, the truth that Christ has shown me and the wounds He has healed through that has allowed me to see people in a different way. it has allowed me to see just some of their woundedness since i am less busy looking at my own. it allows me to give them grace in the same way that God has given it to me, though His gift is way beyond what i can even comprehend. it is this grace which i am thankful for everyday.

as believers we do have a responsibility not only to share Christ with people as the one and only way to salvation, but we also should give people a reason to even want it by seeing that our lives are different. by no means do we have less struggles, or perfect lives, but we have a strength to persevere and a hope that will always remain. i am not talking about legalism and working our way to goodness, i am talking about realizing the grace and love that we have been given by God in the gift of His Son, Jesus Christ, and resting in the work He already completed on the cross.

as we better understand His grace and learn what His unconditional love actually feels like, we can in turn give that to others, and forgive as we have been forgiven. i have forgiven this person, but that doesn't mean the pain is completely gone. it is better, but anytime you loose a person you trusted it hurts. and it takes time.

anyway, i thank those men and women that i worked with for that period of time. they helped to shape me in ways they will never know. i still can't believe it has been a year since i left them, but i know we can still keep in touch, and i know they are supporting me during this time in my life. THANKS AGAIN.

in HIM.

anne