Buttons.....

When I started this Blog several years ago, it was so that I could have a place to process and verbalize what I was struggling with and learning as I went through my battle with cancer.  I didn't write for a long time, but then decided to start again as I began my journey in Uganda.  I kept the name the same as it meant a lot to me then, and it still does now....but I will admit, I am not doing as good of a job "resting" now as I did then, and somehow the "rapids" seem a heck of a lot bigger.

I didn't write at all last year, but have made a new "resolution" of sorts to try blog more regularly this second year of my term (well 2014 anyway).  The first few posts have just been some fun things I got to do, and then a great ministry opportunity I had.  BUT NOW....I am afraid I need to vent a little.  I need to process.  I need to just get out some frustration (I am a verbal processor, and don't really have too many folks I can verbally process with right now, so cyber-space it is.)

I have known for a long time that one of my buttons is not being communicated with (and not being really heard or listened to, but that is another matter).  I have prayed and prayed to try and discover where this button first developed, and the LORD has shown me different things at different times.  The button has seemed to shrink at times, and then it grows again to get hit again all over the place.

We were taught at different times prior to coming to live cross-culturally that different buttons would get pushed, even the ones we thought we had dealt with.  We were told that somehow the buttons seem to get GI-NORM-OUS when they are suddenly coming in contact with a whole culture that seems determined to push them ALL DAY LONG.  And let me tell you...I am definitely finding that to be true.

I found it true all through my first year here, and it continues now.  I have had times of letting it go and not bother me, and times when I am so frustrated I just want to get on the plane and head back to whatever life I may be able to start again in the US.

This week, it was one of THOSE weeks.  Despite having a very encouraging time speaking and sharing last week and finally getting to "do" some of what I have come here to do, this week, I just want to bag it all. (Somehow as I write this, I see the timing is, shall I say typical...in the spiritual type of attack kind of normal that is, so I guess I should not be surprised....and that in itself gives me strength and courage to keep going.) 

I won't leave, I can't leave since I know I have been called here, but there are times, so I will proceed with a bit of venting.

• I am tired of NOT being told when things change...like rates on a my cell phone.  (Kind of a big deal since it affects MILLIONS of people, but they DON'T tell anyone...not even their own employees, but it seems no one else seems to mind.)
• I am tired of being told to just be patient when things they tell everyone will be fixed in 24 hours are not fixed and it is now 48-72 hours later.
• I am tired of purchasing things that when I get them home they don't work, but being unable to return it because they just don't do that here.  No such thing as a return policy in most places, receipt or not.
• I am tired of asking again and again for the person hired to "care" for the building where I live to actually do his job and being disregarded and disrespected as he continues to NOT do it.
• I am tired of things I was told are included in a rent payment not functioning, then "jeri-rigged" to get through the immediate problem, but never fully fixed or replaced.  SOOO, the next time, we are in the SAME situation again.
• I am tired of being told," yes, they are coming to today" to fix whatever is broken, so you arrange your day to accommodate that....and of course it never happens.  I have finally given up....and may ask once every couple of weeks, and am again told, yes, they are coming today...and they don't.

All of this comes down to having expectations.  My frustration in driving (which I won't even get into now, but it is by far the MOST STRESSFUL thing that I do here) also all comes from having expectations.  

So I try to not have expectations.  I try and not expect what I have expected all my life.  I try not to bring my "western" view into what life is here.  But, it is hard.  Try it.  Try and just have no expectations.  It is like killing your heart...your desires...your needs....even for "order".  SOOO, I have to figure out how to find some sort of balance.

Its all about the culture.  Here, culture says you tell someone what you think they want to hear.  You are told what it is folks assume is the answer you want.  Folks don't want to be the bearer of bad news, so you just aren't told.  That includes extremely bad news (like your container has been in an accident and almost all of your things are gone) to just run of the mill things (like no, sorry the electrician cannot come today, but he will try again tomorrow).  It seems to never be the full truth, never completely honest. 

For someone who wants to be communicated with, regardless of the TYPE of news, I find this a very hard way to live.  I would rather just be told, so I can make arrangements for my day, so I can begin to process any bad news that may have happened, so I can have a better idea of what is going on.  If I am going to get upset, I would rather only get upset at the situation from the beginning, as when the information finally comes, then I am upset by the fact that I wasn't told as well.  Double the frustration...and super annoying.

I have come to my own conclusion of what "today" means....or at least this is what I am choosing to believe so that it doesn't continue to drive me crazy.  It is the meaning that I have come to understand in Hebrews 4:7.  "he appoints a certain day, TODAY."  EVERYDAY is today...when the day comes, each day that we wake up to is "today"....so THIS is how I choose to define it when they tell me, "yes, the repairman is coming today", even when I know they actually won't, but on whatever day he does finally arrive...it will in fact be "today".

That may seem crazy, but that is what I have decided to do so I don't go crazy.  It helps in THIS situation.  And for this I am grateful.

NOW, I just have to find a way to make the "button" of not being listened to shrink.  I continue to seek the LORD for help, but I am not getting very far.  BUT, I have come to learn in situations like this, it is because HE is wanting to deal with something deeper....WAY deep down, and just perhaps I am the one not letting HIM do that yet....so that is something I need to surrender to HIM.  HE never forces HIS way in HIS work...HE will force the issue, but we still have to make the decision to go there with HIM......and I that is what I need to do.

Thanks for letting me process.  I am not even sure any of this will make any sense to anyone but me, but at least I got it out of my head for a while.

Anne

Abakyala (a-ba-CHA-la)

 The Ladies.  The amazing ladies of Uganda.

     I had the privilege a few weeks ago to go out west to Masaka Uganda.  This was my second trip there since I arrived with some ladies from the US starting a ministry called Sisters of Hope International (SOHI).  They desire to help women, to give business training and teach them skills to help them better support their families.  But they want to do more than just give a them skills, they want to care for the WHOLE woman: physically, financially, emotionally, and spiritually. I don't know what GOD has planned, but it is an interesting possibility of future partnership.
     Regardless of what the future holds for me, this is about the women, these amazing women.  The group we met with in Masaka are caregivers and mentors in a child sponsorship program.  They help to care for and encourage the children in their studies and in their walk with the LORD.  Some of them are single mothers; some of them are beaten often; some of them have husbands who have taken other wives; some of them have been abandoned with several children.  Some try to seek help from local authorities, but when the man that beats you is one of those with authority, they find themselves without many places to go for help.  They have very little, but give to other children in addition to their own.  They want to learn, they want to make their lives better for their families.

     We met with these women and listened to the dreams they have for the future.  Dreams of learning a skill, dreams of learning to write, dreams of learning to do basic math to run a business better, dreams of HAVING a business. We also heard a bit of their hearts; hurts they have, struggles they face.  They hope for a person to come and listen to them, to help them, to encourage them.  I don't know how the LORD will answer their prayers, but I do believe HE will.
     I will be going back to Masaka in the coming months to live there for 3 weeks or so for the purposes of Luganda learning.  I pray the LORD also gives me opportunities to sit down with some of them one on one to listen to them, to learn from them, and pray with them.  And LORD willing, maybe HE will even see fit to help me to encourage some of them in some way.  I say again, I don't know what GOD has planned, but I know HE brought me here for these women, the women of Uganda.....the hurting and the broken....the ones who feel forgotten by the rest of the world at times.

     This past week, I go to do something a little "bigger". Bigger in terms of actually getting to speak to a group of almost 100 ladies.  I got to share with them on the Theology of Abuse.  GOD actually has an awful lot to say about it in HIS word, and I got to share some of what I have learned over the last several years.
     This group of women was different.  This group of ladies consisted of those in university, or those who had already graduated and are professionals working.  This group of ladies didn't have dreams of learning to read and write as they know how to do that. BUT, this group of ladies still want something better for their children, for their families, for their nation. They, like their sisters out in Masaka, have suffered many abuses.  They have been used by men for sex and then been abandoned, sometimes with a child; they have felt unloved by their families; they have been beaten and belittled at times.
     Abuse is rampant all over the world, and Uganda has not escaped it, the estimated percentages are actually pretty high.  My prayer in sharing with this group of university and professional ladies was to open the door for them to talk. To invite them into a conversation where maybe small steps can be taken to start healing, not only themselves, but their sisters, and hopefully one day a culture and a nation.
     I don't share glimpses of their lives here to invoke pity. They don't feel sorry for themselves, to them it is just a part of their life.  I share this to ask you to pray, for them and with them because it is only GOD and HIS HOLY SPIRIT that will change the hearts and minds of the people in this country and in countries all over the world.

     I look at the vast size of this "job" I have been called to and just want to run and hide.  I don't feel equipped to do anything to change the atmosphere and culture of abuse that exists here, on this continent, in this world.  The truth is, I am not equipped...but GOD is equipping me.  HE is doing this, and HE has called me here.  HE wants to set the captives free, HE wants to make beauty from ashes, HE wants to redeem. So, I try my best to follow HIM, to take the next step HE has for me.  I don't want my fear and my limitations to hinder what HE wants to do, so I am just trying to cling to HIM and go where HE wants me to go when HE says go.
     I hold on to HIS promises.....because, "With GOD, all things are possible" (Matt. 19:26)  I don't know how to help these amazing women, all I know is they need more of HIM,  JUST LIKE I DO!!!

Abakyala......KATONDA Amannyi!!!  KATONDA Afaayo!!!