it seems it has been a little bit since i have written, so i will give a little update.
almost 2 weeks ago, i found out the results of my genetic testing. i learned that i do in fact have a mutation on one of the known breast cancer genes. this increases my risk of the breast cancer returning as well as potentially developing ovarian cancer. on some level, i guess that i knew the results even before i saw them on paper...that is just the way all this has gone since the beginning.
the next big question then, do i have surgery now, or wait until after my chemotherapy. i had decided even before the results were back that if they were positive, i would have a double mastectomy and reconstuction to reduce my risk, at least as much as possible, of having to go through all this again. besides, i still feel as if i am called to the mission field. this is not something i want to have to worry about or even think a lot about while potentially overseas somewhere in the future. God has blessed me with so much now, including good health insurance and an income that will allow me to take care of things now. as much as more surgery scares me, i have peace about this decision, and will proceed when appropriate.
at my appointment with the oncologist the next day, it was decided that chemo would be done first, and surgery would wait until after all drug treatment was completed, almost a year and a half from now. in some ways, i would rather have surgery. being told i would start chemo in 2 weeks made this all too real.
as each day has passed, i have gotten more and more anxious and honestly scared about starting chemo. now i start in 2 days...on friday september 2nd. i am terrified of being sick. potentially having uncontrollable nausea/vomiting is not something most people ever want to experience, but it absolutely terrifies me. i know most of this is in my head...i have an unnatural fear of vomiting, almost paralyzing in fact.
i was talking with a colleague yesterday that has another friend who was also diagnosed with breast cancer around the same time i was. her friend just started chemo last week. i asked my friend how her other friend was doing. appearently she was not tolerating it so well and had been puking her guts out for the last 5 days. not exactly something i wanted to hear, but hey, better to be prepared, right?
i have no idea what will happen. i am praying for minimal, or at least managable nausea. i talked to my oncologist about my concern in my very first meeting with him. he said he would throw the book at me with every drug possible if necessary, and i thought that sounded like a great idea.
another thing that i been forced to think about is the fact that i will more than likely loose my hair. i actually went wig shopping last week, and let me tell you, it was weird. i even tried on a few of them. i am amazed with all the options they have. they even have detachable bangs that you can velcro into your hat, or even a ring of hair you can put on under your hat so you don't have to wear a full wig and overheat, especially out here in sunny phoenix.
one of the funniest things i have heard during this process, i asked my insurance company about paying for the wigs....they do, but i will need to get a prescription from my doctor.....for a cranial prosthesis.... i almost died laughing....i am not getting a head transplant. but oh well...wonder if i can get a new brain while i am at it... :0
anyway, i am reading a book on suffering that a friend of the family gave me. it is actually pretty good...it is making me think a lot. i will write more about that later....but suffering is a GIFT. interesting concept, and not what people normally think, but i agree.
i'll write more after i experience my first round of "poison".
in HIM
anne
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Sunday, August 14, 2005
getting about the work
I mentioned in my last entry that it is pretty amazing how God can use different people and circumstances to teach us the same lesson. It may not always be because we are hard headed, however. Sometimes He just needs to make sure we hear the message, so He repeats it more than once.
Well, as of today at church, I am 3 for 3 in as many days. I had the priviledge on Friday to go with some friends to hear the pastor of the Brooklyn Tabernacle speak here in Phoenix. It was a very encouraging message about getting on with doing the WORK God has called us each to do. NOT work for our salvation, that is a gift. Nor is it about performing to earn His love or attention, we have that too. But God has called each of us to do work for Him. He has chosen to use us, with all of our imperfections, faults, and problems to reach the people in our neighborhoods and through out the world that do not know Him.
The speaker's point was...what are we waiting for. He pointed out, and I completely agree, most people, most Christians in our country, come to church to "worship", but primarily want to be entertained. They want the warm and fuzzies. They come on Sunday for their feel good infusion, and that is pretty much it. I am NOT saying that everyone is like this, but if we are honest, most of us are...and I include myself in this comment. I am sure I have struck some nerves, and I am sorry, but what the speaker was saying rang true to me. I had actually thought about it before, and it was a revelation that did not feel very good at all.
The alter call on Friday night was more of an invitation to recommit, and pursue and DO the work that God has called us to do. I went forward to recommit to doing just that.
Well, that was just round #1.
Last night before going to sleep, I was reading an article in one of my books from the seminary class I withdrew from this summer. The article was by Henry Blackaby from the book/bible study "Experiencing God". I did the study several years ago...but it never hurts to refresh your memory. It was discussing how God utilizes His creation, especially those made in His image i.e. you and me, to do the work of spreading the good news His Son accomplished on the cross... to share the gospel. The article talked about not doing it on your own strength, not trying to start something on your own, but looking around and plugging in to where God is working. He doesn't want us to do it on our own, He has sent us the Holy Spirit to give us strength and direction to do His work, we just need to be willing and obedient....and get about the work we are called to do.
I told you I was 3 for 3...Well today's sermon at church was on Acts 6. This is the chapter of Acts when the 7 are chosen from among the people to help care for the believers so that the apostles could continue in what they were called to do...teaching, preaching, and praying. Stephen was one of the 7 chosen, and he is described as faithful and full of the Holy Spirit. He did his assigned Work, so well in fact, he was stoned to death.
Something I never noticed before but was pointed out in the message: he was accused of speaking against Moses and the law. But in God's irony, He made Stephen's face/body to shine as bright as an angel...just as Moses face shown when he came down from Mount Sinai. Stephen was not speaking against God or Moses. He was doing the work God called him to do, and I think God showed He was pleased with Him.
So what did I learn from all of this... Well, at first I got irritated because I want to get on with my calling, but now I have this huge road block in my way... Then I thought about it some more, and I have allowed this newest development with my health to practically paralyze me. I have put everything on hold because I don't know what is going to happen. I am confident that God is going to use this as preparation for me, but I can't just sit and wait around either.
The more I thought and prayed about it, God began to show me that my work right now is to trust Him, to rest in Him, and to allow my faith to grow. My job right now is to get to know Him better, and ironically I have been shutting Him out. I have avoided thinking about some things because most of the time, all this seems like a dream. But I know it isn't. He wants my attention right now...my job is to focus on Him and Him alone.
The funny thing I have found in the past, and that a friend of mine feels will happen again, is that in focusing on Him, I will be able to minister to others, and not even be aware I am doing so. That is the funny thing about this life He asks us to lead, we rest in Him by depending solely on Him, and we actually end up doing His work with out even being really conscious of it. As He fills us with His Spirit, it ends up overflowing out of us and into the lives of others... We may not even be aware of it.
So, get about the work. If you know your calling, and God has prepared you, continue to trust in Him and get on with it in faith. If you are still in the stage of preparation, then I pray God just continues to work on you and with you. If you still don't know what your job entails, ask Him, He will let you know. For now, I will get on with my job of getting to know HIM.
In Him.
anne
Well, as of today at church, I am 3 for 3 in as many days. I had the priviledge on Friday to go with some friends to hear the pastor of the Brooklyn Tabernacle speak here in Phoenix. It was a very encouraging message about getting on with doing the WORK God has called us each to do. NOT work for our salvation, that is a gift. Nor is it about performing to earn His love or attention, we have that too. But God has called each of us to do work for Him. He has chosen to use us, with all of our imperfections, faults, and problems to reach the people in our neighborhoods and through out the world that do not know Him.
The speaker's point was...what are we waiting for. He pointed out, and I completely agree, most people, most Christians in our country, come to church to "worship", but primarily want to be entertained. They want the warm and fuzzies. They come on Sunday for their feel good infusion, and that is pretty much it. I am NOT saying that everyone is like this, but if we are honest, most of us are...and I include myself in this comment. I am sure I have struck some nerves, and I am sorry, but what the speaker was saying rang true to me. I had actually thought about it before, and it was a revelation that did not feel very good at all.
The alter call on Friday night was more of an invitation to recommit, and pursue and DO the work that God has called us to do. I went forward to recommit to doing just that.
Well, that was just round #1.
Last night before going to sleep, I was reading an article in one of my books from the seminary class I withdrew from this summer. The article was by Henry Blackaby from the book/bible study "Experiencing God". I did the study several years ago...but it never hurts to refresh your memory. It was discussing how God utilizes His creation, especially those made in His image i.e. you and me, to do the work of spreading the good news His Son accomplished on the cross... to share the gospel. The article talked about not doing it on your own strength, not trying to start something on your own, but looking around and plugging in to where God is working. He doesn't want us to do it on our own, He has sent us the Holy Spirit to give us strength and direction to do His work, we just need to be willing and obedient....and get about the work we are called to do.
I told you I was 3 for 3...Well today's sermon at church was on Acts 6. This is the chapter of Acts when the 7 are chosen from among the people to help care for the believers so that the apostles could continue in what they were called to do...teaching, preaching, and praying. Stephen was one of the 7 chosen, and he is described as faithful and full of the Holy Spirit. He did his assigned Work, so well in fact, he was stoned to death.
Something I never noticed before but was pointed out in the message: he was accused of speaking against Moses and the law. But in God's irony, He made Stephen's face/body to shine as bright as an angel...just as Moses face shown when he came down from Mount Sinai. Stephen was not speaking against God or Moses. He was doing the work God called him to do, and I think God showed He was pleased with Him.
So what did I learn from all of this... Well, at first I got irritated because I want to get on with my calling, but now I have this huge road block in my way... Then I thought about it some more, and I have allowed this newest development with my health to practically paralyze me. I have put everything on hold because I don't know what is going to happen. I am confident that God is going to use this as preparation for me, but I can't just sit and wait around either.
The more I thought and prayed about it, God began to show me that my work right now is to trust Him, to rest in Him, and to allow my faith to grow. My job right now is to get to know Him better, and ironically I have been shutting Him out. I have avoided thinking about some things because most of the time, all this seems like a dream. But I know it isn't. He wants my attention right now...my job is to focus on Him and Him alone.
The funny thing I have found in the past, and that a friend of mine feels will happen again, is that in focusing on Him, I will be able to minister to others, and not even be aware I am doing so. That is the funny thing about this life He asks us to lead, we rest in Him by depending solely on Him, and we actually end up doing His work with out even being really conscious of it. As He fills us with His Spirit, it ends up overflowing out of us and into the lives of others... We may not even be aware of it.
So, get about the work. If you know your calling, and God has prepared you, continue to trust in Him and get on with it in faith. If you are still in the stage of preparation, then I pray God just continues to work on you and with you. If you still don't know what your job entails, ask Him, He will let you know. For now, I will get on with my job of getting to know HIM.
In Him.
anne
Monday, August 08, 2005
what's in a river
So what is the deal with a river and how it relates to life. I don't know about you, but for me, a river is the perfect metaphor for my life.
A river is always moving, always on a journey. There are calm sections where things just flow smoothly. Then you have the eddies where everything that comes around, goes around, like being stuck in a rut. The bigger the rut, the harder it is to break out of it. Same goes for an eddy; the bigger the eddy, the harder it is to break back into the current. Then you have the rapids. They can be small and not so stressful, medium to large causing some adrenaline to flow, or total chaos when you have no idea what is going on or how you will survive. Then you may even have those areas before a major rapid where the water backs up and almost forms a lake...the current is still there, but it is much harder to find. It seems to take forever to get anywhere and then boom....a HUGH waterfall that you may or may not have been expecting.
I can look back over my life and more importantly my journey with God and see each one of the descriptions above. There have been times when everything is going along great, right in the middle of the current, when you know you are in His will for your life. Some of the rapids can even be fun....just hold on and go along for the ride. Then those eddies come up, and you are stuck trying to learn what appears to be the same lesson over and over again. Isn't it amazing how God can being showing you the same thing through so many different circumstances. it is not just a coincidence you know. Like any good teacher, if we don't get it the first time, He will use a different approach to get it through our thick skulls :)
During the last 8 months I have been in that big lake right before something huge happens, but i had no idea that something would be cancer.
This entire year has been hard, long, and quiet. Quiet in the sense that I have not felt I could hear God. I could see Him doing stuff around me, in my life and in others, but I have felt very disconnected. I feel like I have been drudging and plodding along...just trying to hold on for dear life. The problem is I have been doing all of this on my own power...and as a result, I am totally exhausted. I think He is saying..." FINALLY. You stopped fighting and trying so hard... Now just REST for a while."
It has been a discouraging time, and yet deep down I know He has been there. His recurrent lesson for me this entire year has been that in my weakness is where I will find His strength. He showed me this in my seminary classes this spring, on my short term mission trip to India, at work, in different relationships, and in multiple other areas of my life.
He has is teaching me this lessons while stripping defense mechanisms from me. These defense mechanisms are patterns of thinking I have used for years to protect myself, to protect my heart. He wants them. As long as I hold on to them, I won't come to Him. I won't depend and look to Him for strength.
The defense mechanisms have come in surprising forms. The main one has been resignation...just giving up as I felt there was nothing I could do about siuations anyway. Another variation on that was to simply say "i don't care, it doesn't matter". In other words, I tried to convince myself, other people and God that what I wanted/needed didn't matter. It comes down to not thinking I am worth the time and effort, so why bother asking or making a fuss...and this is a lie.
God wants us to tell Him what we want, what we desire, what we feel we need. He may not give it to us, as He knows what is really best, but He wants us to ask. Asking shows you can't do it on your own...it shows you are willing to become and be humble, weak, and vulnerable.
It is in that state that we find Him...ready to pick us up just as we are, love on us, and give us His strength to carry on. He may not give us exactly what we ask for, but it will ultimately end up being better than anything we could have ever imagined. It may be painful, and even devistating at first, but I truly believe it all works to draw us closer to Him.
A river is always moving, always on a journey. There are calm sections where things just flow smoothly. Then you have the eddies where everything that comes around, goes around, like being stuck in a rut. The bigger the rut, the harder it is to break out of it. Same goes for an eddy; the bigger the eddy, the harder it is to break back into the current. Then you have the rapids. They can be small and not so stressful, medium to large causing some adrenaline to flow, or total chaos when you have no idea what is going on or how you will survive. Then you may even have those areas before a major rapid where the water backs up and almost forms a lake...the current is still there, but it is much harder to find. It seems to take forever to get anywhere and then boom....a HUGH waterfall that you may or may not have been expecting.
I can look back over my life and more importantly my journey with God and see each one of the descriptions above. There have been times when everything is going along great, right in the middle of the current, when you know you are in His will for your life. Some of the rapids can even be fun....just hold on and go along for the ride. Then those eddies come up, and you are stuck trying to learn what appears to be the same lesson over and over again. Isn't it amazing how God can being showing you the same thing through so many different circumstances. it is not just a coincidence you know. Like any good teacher, if we don't get it the first time, He will use a different approach to get it through our thick skulls :)
During the last 8 months I have been in that big lake right before something huge happens, but i had no idea that something would be cancer.
This entire year has been hard, long, and quiet. Quiet in the sense that I have not felt I could hear God. I could see Him doing stuff around me, in my life and in others, but I have felt very disconnected. I feel like I have been drudging and plodding along...just trying to hold on for dear life. The problem is I have been doing all of this on my own power...and as a result, I am totally exhausted. I think He is saying..." FINALLY. You stopped fighting and trying so hard... Now just REST for a while."
It has been a discouraging time, and yet deep down I know He has been there. His recurrent lesson for me this entire year has been that in my weakness is where I will find His strength. He showed me this in my seminary classes this spring, on my short term mission trip to India, at work, in different relationships, and in multiple other areas of my life.
He has is teaching me this lessons while stripping defense mechanisms from me. These defense mechanisms are patterns of thinking I have used for years to protect myself, to protect my heart. He wants them. As long as I hold on to them, I won't come to Him. I won't depend and look to Him for strength.
The defense mechanisms have come in surprising forms. The main one has been resignation...just giving up as I felt there was nothing I could do about siuations anyway. Another variation on that was to simply say "i don't care, it doesn't matter". In other words, I tried to convince myself, other people and God that what I wanted/needed didn't matter. It comes down to not thinking I am worth the time and effort, so why bother asking or making a fuss...and this is a lie.
God wants us to tell Him what we want, what we desire, what we feel we need. He may not give it to us, as He knows what is really best, but He wants us to ask. Asking shows you can't do it on your own...it shows you are willing to become and be humble, weak, and vulnerable.
It is in that state that we find Him...ready to pick us up just as we are, love on us, and give us His strength to carry on. He may not give us exactly what we ask for, but it will ultimately end up being better than anything we could have ever imagined. It may be painful, and even devistating at first, but I truly believe it all works to draw us closer to Him.
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