The never ending cycle....

Have you ever felt like you just can't get ahead?  Have you ever felt like, really, another thing goes seemingly wrong?  I know I have, and I also know I am not alone.  I KNOW I felt like this a lot over the last decade, and that feeling continues even now.

I got back from Masaka about 3 weeks or so ago, and have been recovering from a cold that I developed on my arrival back since then.  It is even going in the "wrong" direction from the usual path, but I am sure it will eventually go away.  Along with a cold, and trying to get back into a routine here in Kampala, my computer has also decided to die.....apparently the motherboard or the processor or something....something BIG anyway, and not so easily replaced.  SO, I am now getting help to buy a new computer.  So much for spending the money to get what I THOUGHT would be big enough and be sturdy enough to last my entire first term or two.

SO, how do I try to get my head in a better place?  I have done it before by serving others.  Today I am going to try something that I know many people already do, and I do as well, I just have not done so on HERE...list things I am grateful for.

I am grateful for a laptop to borrow so I can try and post a long-overdue blog, but afraid it will have to be without pictures for now....computer is dead, remember...LOL (as I just went to pull a picture and suddenly remembered this laptop is not mine).  I am also VERY grateful for being introduced to a man of integrity who also has a masters in IT stuff, so at least I have someone helping me through this process.

I am grateful for life....as in just 12 days I celebrate another birthday...a kind of "milestone"-ish one....45!!! I don't feel that old, but it is true.  I am grateful for each year, each week, each day....some more than others, but even in hard times of the past, I can see HIS hand, and so yes, I am grateful even for those hard days.

I am also grateful for people I don't even know that well from my church in AZ who are willing to not only reach out to see if there is something I need brought from "home", but then bring something as "non-essential" as wind chimes....something that was stolen from my container, but something to make here feel a little more like home.

I am grateful for friends who loan me a guitar, and for the ability to start working towards a LONG held dream...learning to play one.  I have wanted to learn for a long time....just to sing worship music.  Kampala Singers are on break until August, but I found the creative outlet to be so helpful, I decided to check into lessons.  I started last week, and yes, my fingers are sore, but I am slowly getting better at transitioning between the three cords needed to play Amazing Grace.

I am grateful for a wonderful trip to Masaka....I will have to do another whole post on that some other time. BUT, I am grateful for the relationships that started there.  I am grateful for the things I truly believe GOD was waiting to surprise me with....just for my time there.  Pieces of a puzzle that I had no idea were even in process.  HE has been and continues to work to prepare HIS ministry HE is calling me to....and continues to prepare me as well.

I am grateful for technology that allows me to talk and SKYPE with friends and family around the world...even if it is also the source of frustration at times.

I have MANY things to be grateful for...so I will stop typing them for now, but will ponder them and remember them, at least I hope I will.

AND, because I had such a great trip to Masaka that was so full of potential and encouragement...I guess in some ways I am not so surprised to come home to discouraging things happening.  This is more than a physical life we are battling and journeying in;  it is a spiritual one.  So I expect to have times that attempt to discourage me after such an amazing time of encouragement.  THAT is the cycle I have come to recognize and expect.

I will keep pushing forward, keep studying, keep trying, keep reaching out, keep thanking my supporters, keep NOT giving up.

That is all I know to do anymore....so that is what I will keep doing.

Preparing for Another Adventure....

HAPPY EASTER!!!!!  HE is RISEN....HE is RISEN indeed.

I head out this week to Masaka.  It is a smaller town out to the west, about two and a half hours from Kampala.  It actually reminds me a bit of the middle and western part of VA (if you take away the banana trees anyway).  I have been a few times before and really enjoy the slower pace, the lack of significant "jam" compared to Kampala, and the people I have met from there.

I am going more or less because it is a requirement, but I also know it will be good for me.  I am going to stay with a Ugandan family to have more of a true language and culture immersion experience.

I have been studying Luganda now for more than a year, but to be honest, living here in the capital has
actually made it "slower" if you will to learn as you don't HAVE to use it.  Most folks here speak English, and in some ways prefer to.  Most folks here in Kampala when I speak to them in Luganda, laugh (or I should say, kind of giggle).  They are not laughing AT me, they just do not expect their language to come out of the mouth of someone who looks like me.  Many expats here, at least it seems to me, don't learn one of the 40+ local languages because you really don't have to in order to function.

What I have found, however, even in what I feel is my limited Luganda, they are PLEASED that I have tried.  They are happy that I am learning, and as soon as they see I can say a little, they start talking REALLY fast with a big smile on their face, and I have to ask them to please slow down.  It has opened, even in small ways, doors to have more conversations.  It has allowed me to proceed without much more than a greeting with the traffic police when they stop me to "check my papers".  Many people have said they would gladly come and be my teacher, but I tell them I already have one thanks.

I am excited to go and see what I have learned, as well as what I have not, so we have some direction in where I still need to go.  My primary hope and prayer is that I will gain confidence in my ability to speak and hear well.  My teammates tell me I am doing well, but I don't have something to gauge it by, so I am just not sure...I am hoping this trip will change that.

As much as I am excited about it...I am also a bit nervous.  More about the unfamiliar surroundings I will be in.  As one of my teammates reminded me today, being in a situation where you are unfamiliar with and everyone else is very familiar it is stressful in itself.  Sleeping in a strange bed, being with people I don't really know all that well, eating food I am not used to eating every day, even going to the bathroom in a pit latrine (or drop toilet)....it is going to be stressful.


I keep telling myself if I have camped for 2 weeks straight on the side of a river with people I had never met before (and I did that TWICE), then I can survive, and even enjoy this time well.  My language teacher drew me a diagram to help with the pit latrine situation.  He also teaches with the Peace Corp, and they do that talk with each new class.  I modified it a bit...but it just reminds me how blessed I am to live where I live, as probably 90% of the country do NOT have indoor toilets, including many here in the capital city. This is normal, everyday life.  I want to experience that life...and at the same time, want to remain healthy and safe, so any advice I can get from teachers and other Ugandan friends, I am very grateful for.

Please pray for me during this time.  I will be hopefully meeting with some of the women in the church and in Hope Alive (a ministry affiliated with WorldVenture) while I am there.  I hope this will be the beginning of relationships that lead to ministry opportunities in the future.  I am still deciding if I am going to take my computer, but if I do, I will try and update periodically while I am there, and if I don't for sure I will fill you in when I return.

Buttons.....

When I started this Blog several years ago, it was so that I could have a place to process and verbalize what I was struggling with and learning as I went through my battle with cancer.  I didn't write for a long time, but then decided to start again as I began my journey in Uganda.  I kept the name the same as it meant a lot to me then, and it still does now....but I will admit, I am not doing as good of a job "resting" now as I did then, and somehow the "rapids" seem a heck of a lot bigger.

I didn't write at all last year, but have made a new "resolution" of sorts to try blog more regularly this second year of my term (well 2014 anyway).  The first few posts have just been some fun things I got to do, and then a great ministry opportunity I had.  BUT NOW....I am afraid I need to vent a little.  I need to process.  I need to just get out some frustration (I am a verbal processor, and don't really have too many folks I can verbally process with right now, so cyber-space it is.)

I have known for a long time that one of my buttons is not being communicated with (and not being really heard or listened to, but that is another matter).  I have prayed and prayed to try and discover where this button first developed, and the LORD has shown me different things at different times.  The button has seemed to shrink at times, and then it grows again to get hit again all over the place.

We were taught at different times prior to coming to live cross-culturally that different buttons would get pushed, even the ones we thought we had dealt with.  We were told that somehow the buttons seem to get GI-NORM-OUS when they are suddenly coming in contact with a whole culture that seems determined to push them ALL DAY LONG.  And let me tell you...I am definitely finding that to be true.

I found it true all through my first year here, and it continues now.  I have had times of letting it go and not bother me, and times when I am so frustrated I just want to get on the plane and head back to whatever life I may be able to start again in the US.

This week, it was one of THOSE weeks.  Despite having a very encouraging time speaking and sharing last week and finally getting to "do" some of what I have come here to do, this week, I just want to bag it all. (Somehow as I write this, I see the timing is, shall I say typical...in the spiritual type of attack kind of normal that is, so I guess I should not be surprised....and that in itself gives me strength and courage to keep going.) 

I won't leave, I can't leave since I know I have been called here, but there are times, so I will proceed with a bit of venting.

• I am tired of NOT being told when things change...like rates on a my cell phone.  (Kind of a big deal since it affects MILLIONS of people, but they DON'T tell anyone...not even their own employees, but it seems no one else seems to mind.)
• I am tired of being told to just be patient when things they tell everyone will be fixed in 24 hours are not fixed and it is now 48-72 hours later.
• I am tired of purchasing things that when I get them home they don't work, but being unable to return it because they just don't do that here.  No such thing as a return policy in most places, receipt or not.
• I am tired of asking again and again for the person hired to "care" for the building where I live to actually do his job and being disregarded and disrespected as he continues to NOT do it.
• I am tired of things I was told are included in a rent payment not functioning, then "jeri-rigged" to get through the immediate problem, but never fully fixed or replaced.  SOOO, the next time, we are in the SAME situation again.
• I am tired of being told," yes, they are coming to today" to fix whatever is broken, so you arrange your day to accommodate that....and of course it never happens.  I have finally given up....and may ask once every couple of weeks, and am again told, yes, they are coming today...and they don't.

All of this comes down to having expectations.  My frustration in driving (which I won't even get into now, but it is by far the MOST STRESSFUL thing that I do here) also all comes from having expectations.  

So I try to not have expectations.  I try and not expect what I have expected all my life.  I try not to bring my "western" view into what life is here.  But, it is hard.  Try it.  Try and just have no expectations.  It is like killing your heart...your desires...your needs....even for "order".  SOOO, I have to figure out how to find some sort of balance.

Its all about the culture.  Here, culture says you tell someone what you think they want to hear.  You are told what it is folks assume is the answer you want.  Folks don't want to be the bearer of bad news, so you just aren't told.  That includes extremely bad news (like your container has been in an accident and almost all of your things are gone) to just run of the mill things (like no, sorry the electrician cannot come today, but he will try again tomorrow).  It seems to never be the full truth, never completely honest. 

For someone who wants to be communicated with, regardless of the TYPE of news, I find this a very hard way to live.  I would rather just be told, so I can make arrangements for my day, so I can begin to process any bad news that may have happened, so I can have a better idea of what is going on.  If I am going to get upset, I would rather only get upset at the situation from the beginning, as when the information finally comes, then I am upset by the fact that I wasn't told as well.  Double the frustration...and super annoying.

I have come to my own conclusion of what "today" means....or at least this is what I am choosing to believe so that it doesn't continue to drive me crazy.  It is the meaning that I have come to understand in Hebrews 4:7.  "he appoints a certain day, TODAY."  EVERYDAY is today...when the day comes, each day that we wake up to is "today"....so THIS is how I choose to define it when they tell me, "yes, the repairman is coming today", even when I know they actually won't, but on whatever day he does finally arrive...it will in fact be "today".

That may seem crazy, but that is what I have decided to do so I don't go crazy.  It helps in THIS situation.  And for this I am grateful.

NOW, I just have to find a way to make the "button" of not being listened to shrink.  I continue to seek the LORD for help, but I am not getting very far.  BUT, I have come to learn in situations like this, it is because HE is wanting to deal with something deeper....WAY deep down, and just perhaps I am the one not letting HIM do that yet....so that is something I need to surrender to HIM.  HE never forces HIS way in HIS work...HE will force the issue, but we still have to make the decision to go there with HIM......and I that is what I need to do.

Thanks for letting me process.  I am not even sure any of this will make any sense to anyone but me, but at least I got it out of my head for a while.

Anne

Abakyala (a-ba-CHA-la)

 The Ladies.  The amazing ladies of Uganda.

     I had the privilege a few weeks ago to go out west to Masaka Uganda.  This was my second trip there since I arrived with some ladies from the US starting a ministry called Sisters of Hope International (SOHI).  They desire to help women, to give business training and teach them skills to help them better support their families.  But they want to do more than just give a them skills, they want to care for the WHOLE woman: physically, financially, emotionally, and spiritually. I don't know what GOD has planned, but it is an interesting possibility of future partnership.
     Regardless of what the future holds for me, this is about the women, these amazing women.  The group we met with in Masaka are caregivers and mentors in a child sponsorship program.  They help to care for and encourage the children in their studies and in their walk with the LORD.  Some of them are single mothers; some of them are beaten often; some of them have husbands who have taken other wives; some of them have been abandoned with several children.  Some try to seek help from local authorities, but when the man that beats you is one of those with authority, they find themselves without many places to go for help.  They have very little, but give to other children in addition to their own.  They want to learn, they want to make their lives better for their families.

     We met with these women and listened to the dreams they have for the future.  Dreams of learning a skill, dreams of learning to write, dreams of learning to do basic math to run a business better, dreams of HAVING a business. We also heard a bit of their hearts; hurts they have, struggles they face.  They hope for a person to come and listen to them, to help them, to encourage them.  I don't know how the LORD will answer their prayers, but I do believe HE will.
     I will be going back to Masaka in the coming months to live there for 3 weeks or so for the purposes of Luganda learning.  I pray the LORD also gives me opportunities to sit down with some of them one on one to listen to them, to learn from them, and pray with them.  And LORD willing, maybe HE will even see fit to help me to encourage some of them in some way.  I say again, I don't know what GOD has planned, but I know HE brought me here for these women, the women of Uganda.....the hurting and the broken....the ones who feel forgotten by the rest of the world at times.

     This past week, I go to do something a little "bigger". Bigger in terms of actually getting to speak to a group of almost 100 ladies.  I got to share with them on the Theology of Abuse.  GOD actually has an awful lot to say about it in HIS word, and I got to share some of what I have learned over the last several years.
     This group of women was different.  This group of ladies consisted of those in university, or those who had already graduated and are professionals working.  This group of ladies didn't have dreams of learning to read and write as they know how to do that. BUT, this group of ladies still want something better for their children, for their families, for their nation. They, like their sisters out in Masaka, have suffered many abuses.  They have been used by men for sex and then been abandoned, sometimes with a child; they have felt unloved by their families; they have been beaten and belittled at times.
     Abuse is rampant all over the world, and Uganda has not escaped it, the estimated percentages are actually pretty high.  My prayer in sharing with this group of university and professional ladies was to open the door for them to talk. To invite them into a conversation where maybe small steps can be taken to start healing, not only themselves, but their sisters, and hopefully one day a culture and a nation.
     I don't share glimpses of their lives here to invoke pity. They don't feel sorry for themselves, to them it is just a part of their life.  I share this to ask you to pray, for them and with them because it is only GOD and HIS HOLY SPIRIT that will change the hearts and minds of the people in this country and in countries all over the world.

     I look at the vast size of this "job" I have been called to and just want to run and hide.  I don't feel equipped to do anything to change the atmosphere and culture of abuse that exists here, on this continent, in this world.  The truth is, I am not equipped...but GOD is equipping me.  HE is doing this, and HE has called me here.  HE wants to set the captives free, HE wants to make beauty from ashes, HE wants to redeem. So, I try my best to follow HIM, to take the next step HE has for me.  I don't want my fear and my limitations to hinder what HE wants to do, so I am just trying to cling to HIM and go where HE wants me to go when HE says go.
     I hold on to HIS promises.....because, "With GOD, all things are possible" (Matt. 19:26)  I don't know how to help these amazing women, all I know is they need more of HIM,  JUST LIKE I DO!!!

Abakyala......KATONDA Amannyi!!!  KATONDA Afaayo!!!

a bit of an unusual month...

Well, I am already behind on my goal of posting once a week, but January was a kind of a crazy month.  I was gone for almost a week to Kasesse out in the west, home for a day and then off to a training session for a week, and then came home to computer problems.  After two plus weeks of fighting with it, I finally think I have it up and running normally again...safe and secure, but it has been very frustrating.

Anyway, I am moving forward...and trying to blog as promised.

Not really sure what to share.  I traveled to a part of the country I had not yet been and on my first safari here in Uganda, and it was quite amazing.  Always refreshing and such an amazing joy to see and ponder YAHWEH's creation.  Such beautiful landscapes, beautiful people, and amazing animals.  Just awe-inspiring.

We drove past tea plantations, met with church leadership who want to start a medical clinic to serve their community, and visited another church who had begun to lay the foundation for their new building.  You can see the wall's foundation below, and the older building in the background.  They are planning BIG, and that to me is very cool.  It was amazing to be in the part of the country where the mission I now work for started their legacy in this country.

We ended to trip with a trip to Queen Elizabeth National Park.  It was an amazing day of hunting for and "shooting"...with my camera of course, so many amazing animals.  Including HUNDREDS of elephants at all ranges of age.  It was very cool.  This particular park has no giraffe or zebra, but we saw almost everything else there was to see there, so we were VERY happy.  And of course, you can't travel back and forth across the equator (I think I did 6 times on this trip) without the token "Equator Picture".

We stopped at a roadside market on our way back to town...so I snuck this picture.  It is much harder to take then in Kampala, so I was happy to get this one.  SOOO colorful.


So to close this one, I will include a few picture from our Safari.  More soon....at least that is the goal.

SOOOOO

MANY!!!!

And such cute little ones.  It was truly
AMAZING!

Let's Try again...a New Year, a new goal.

Well, I guess my "Coming Soon" didn't quite happen as I had hoped.  A little more than a year and half later, I am finally writing on here again.  I have just spent my second Christmas in Uganda, but this one was a bit different from last year for sure.  

For starters, I actually had my own decorations, I introduced some of my teammates to my own family traditions, and I even had Christmas presents for Christmas and not Valentine's day.  

The weekend between Christmas and New Years, I went to a hotel here in Kampala for a bit of a retreat.  I had been setting a little bit aside each month to do so, with hopes to go somewhere for some alone time with the LORD every few months, but that didn't happen.  SOOO, I decided to just get "away" for a weekend here in town, room and board (except for drinks for some odd reason) were included at a hotel here that has a HUGE pool and is right on Lake Victoria.  It was okay, but I am honestly not sure how often I will go back.

Anyway, my weekend away was just to take some time to reflect on the last year a bit more as I have been doing quite a bit of that lately, spend some intensive time in prayer and silence, journal, and DREAM!

Dreaming is not something I do very often...not something I think about a lot.  I don't think I ever really let myself dream very often...it is almost too scary.  Past hurts have kept me from looking forward to too much...setting expectations too high, after all, when you have expectations and they are not met, that is when you get hurt, right?  I think that is part of the reason I have not let myself dream.

BUT, that is something that is changing.  That is something the LORD is changing.  As I look back over things lost, expectations not met, plans that have changed, relationships that have been lost, I realize, I have done a very poor job of grieving at times.  I have not completed those "hurts" so to speak, and as a result, they can still cause pain, twinges if you will, at different times.  So that is one thing I have been doing...walking through some of these things.  Looking at them, asking the LORD to show me what HE sees in them, and asking HIM to heal them, to help me let them go.

In doing that, I am also asking HIM to help me look forward.  I am asking HIM to show me how to dream...HIS way.  I am asking HIM to help me look to the future and for HIM to show me what HE sees for me.

One of the goals I have set for myself is to actually journal more.  To journal consistently.  And a portion of that goal is to share here on my blog.  I set this up several years ago when I was battling cancer.  It was actually helpful to me to process at times, but then life got back to "normal", whatever that is...I guess I should say it go back to BUSY..and I didn't blog anymore.  

Anyway, I have had some friends encourage me to get back to it.  To give them an opportunity to see more of a "day to day" life so to speak for me here in Uganda.  I am not promising daily blogs for sure, but my goal is to post SOMETHING at least once a week.  Even if it is just a picture and a few thoughts.  

So I am asking you....help me do this.   If you want to follow along, please do, and if I am not writing / posting etc, at least some pictures, then call me on it.  I am hoping just by putting this out there that I will be more consistent in my efforts.

So, now that I have at least "broken the ice", I will share just a few pictures from Christmas Eve and Christmas day.  The above is my Christmas tree...all decked out in lights and ornaments, some more than 45 years old or so that my grandparents made.  I am so grateful to have them with me, but the story of why that almost wasn't true, I can share a bit later.  RIght  above, this is the "fire place" made with the extremely creative friends of mine made from card board and a great paint job, complete with a "fire" that we sure did need with it 80+ degrees outsied, and stocking hung with care.

And now, me in my Starbuck's apron, but not making lattes, but making sausage balls (gluten free version for my hosts) as one of the "Laine" family traditions I shared.  Appearently they were a hit!!! And that made me very happy.  

That's Dan-o showing off the finished product.....he was my helper in rolling all those puppies up.  So fun.  We of course had to cook up a few to taste test on Christmas eve to make sure they would be Christmas breakfast worthy.  I think I knew that they were okay when we ALMOST called a teammate that my hosts had invited at the last minute called them back to "un"invite them for breakfast.  Of course we didn't, but it DID cross our minds.  We of course had plenty, even had some to bring home with me after we were all done on Christmas day.

And here is one of me making some cookies with dan-o and meg making cookies.  Turns out they are the same cookies as the "christmas tree" ones my mom used to make, again gluten free, but still yummy.  

One of the traditions of my friends who hosted me is to put on a Christmas "play".  Whoever is in attendance plays a part.  The picture below is "Mary and Joseph" getting settled in the stable.  We had Mary, Jospeh (also the narator), the innkeeper (also the videographer) Gabriel, Shepherds (me and dan-o), and a wise -man.  We also had a guest appearance of the non-newborn Jesus.....dan-o and his sisters baby sister (in the carrier on Joseph), but she was only introduced when the wise-man arrived, wanted to be true to Scripture as much as we could.  It was great fun, and I may even post one of the videos on here next time if I get brave enough.

ANYWAY, I will not end my first post....hopefully the first of AT LEAST 52 this year.  That is my goal.

I hope you have a blessed 2014....filled with HIS PEACE and JOY.

until next time
in HIM     Anne