as i was driving to church yesterday...the CD in my stereo happened to start at this song. i have heard it a thousand times, but this time i guess i really listened...i just wanted to post the lyrics.
Undone, by Mercy Me.....
No apologies
For who I'm meant to be
The only thing that matters is
I am Free
When I am overwhelmed
Holding pieces of my heart
When i feel my world
Start to fall apart.....
To the cross I run
Holding high my chains undone
Now I am finally free
Free to be what I've become
Undone.
Even in defeat
The face of tragedy
Still you'd have to say that
I found victory
In brokenness comes beauty
Divine fragility
Reminding me of nail scarred hands
Reaching out to me
Monday, October 10, 2005
my, what a year...
i have had a few folks ask why i have not blogged in a while, so here you go. i was waiting for some inspiration and i got some this weekend.
since starting my chemo, i have not been out a lot. partly because i have had family staying with me and it felt weird going out...part of me still felt like i had to be a "hostess". mostly, however, it has been because i have been really tired. but when i got an invitation to go and hang out with some friends from where i used to work for a "girls night out", i decided to go for it. all my company has left, i have enjoyed the peace and quiet for a week, so why not. i took a good 2 hour nap before it was time to go. naps are becoming a standard in my day due to the fatigue related to my treatments, something that has been quite difficult for me to get used to.
this group of women are some of the people that i used to work with, actually it is a year ago this week since i left that position and went back to the hospital. as i was sitting there talking to some of them, none of us could believe it has been a year since i left, including myself. since then, i have thinking a lot about how my life has changed in the last year.
even though i no longer work with these guys, they have been incredibly supportive. the whole office even sent me flowers right after i got my diagnosis. i was only at the position for 18 months, but i feel like i had an awesome opportunity to get to know some of them, to share my heart with them, and most importantly i got to listen to them as well.
i had no idea at the time why i felt i was supposed to take the position at that company, but it soon became very evident that it was a God thing, and He had plans. it was the first place i have ever worked that i felt like it was a "mission field" in the sense that i could share with people what God was doing in my life, and even if the person was not a believer, i was able to support, respect and probably most importantly really listen to them. basically i was able to be authentic. this is something that most of my life i have been too afraid to do. but now thanks to the work the Lord has done in me, i really desire to have those types of relationships. i had the opportunity to pray with and for many of my co-workers. i miss working with them, but am also grateful that we can still get together and hang out...and we don't even talk about work, it is awesome :)
in the year since i have left, i have worked nights for a while, been to India for a mission trip, and found a church home. i have also taken my first ever incomplete in a college/graduate level class, and for a former performance addict, that was a really humbling experience. i have also experienced some of the worst spiritual oppression i have ever known, and have been diagnosed with breast cancer. there are lots of other things that have happened, but those are some pretty big ones.
in talking to one of the women the other night, a somewhat painful topic came up. one of the closer friendships that developed during my employment there has dissolved in the last year. it was very hurtful to be completely cut off from a friend, especially during a difficult time, but the Lord showed me a lot about myself, this other person, and our friendship.
i was asked if i was sorry i had been friends with this person, and i can honestly say absolutely not. i still feel as if the Lord ordained it and made it happen, and this person was used in my life to make me stronger and to heal a lot of wounds. i hope that the Lord used me in their life too. i honestly can look back over the last 6 months and know that God has also played a part in separating us. it was the other person's decision to cut things off, but i also know God is in control and is sovereign, and this has been His way of protecting me. so as much as the hurt may still linger at times, i know it is all in God's control, and if it is in His will, the relationship still has a chance of being mended, but i know it will never be the same.
what made me really angry about the whole situation was the influence it had on other people. i had heard that one of our other coworkers from that time was angry when they saw how a "friend" was treating me during a time when i needed people standing beside me as i found out about my diagnosis. they saw it as typical of how "Christians" act...hypocritical.
i was devastated... i have grown up in the church, and ran from it for a really long time because of the hypocrisy that i saw and hated. i don't know where that person stands in their relationship with God and Christ, but i really hope they can forgive me for any part of the situation that i played in them seeing Christians in a negative light. i hate hypocrisy as well, and i ask any non-believer, or any person for that matter, that you please not judge the world's perfect Savior on the actions of His imperfect human representatives.
Jesus told us that we will be known by the love we show to others. and i know that to many, it often looks like there is not a lot of love at all. unfortunately we are all fallen, all sinful, and all evil in our flesh. BUT, as Christians it is the personal relationship we have with Christ and the new person we are in Him that saves us and allows us to love others. unfortunately we won't be perfect at it until we meet Him in heaven. we all still have our own hurts, wounds, baggage and lies that we carry around with us, and it affects the way we treat people, even the ones we care about.
i know that in my own life, the truth that Christ has shown me and the wounds He has healed through that has allowed me to see people in a different way. it has allowed me to see just some of their woundedness since i am less busy looking at my own. it allows me to give them grace in the same way that God has given it to me, though His gift is way beyond what i can even comprehend. it is this grace which i am thankful for everyday.
as believers we do have a responsibility not only to share Christ with people as the one and only way to salvation, but we also should give people a reason to even want it by seeing that our lives are different. by no means do we have less struggles, or perfect lives, but we have a strength to persevere and a hope that will always remain. i am not talking about legalism and working our way to goodness, i am talking about realizing the grace and love that we have been given by God in the gift of His Son, Jesus Christ, and resting in the work He already completed on the cross.
as we better understand His grace and learn what His unconditional love actually feels like, we can in turn give that to others, and forgive as we have been forgiven. i have forgiven this person, but that doesn't mean the pain is completely gone. it is better, but anytime you loose a person you trusted it hurts. and it takes time.
anyway, i thank those men and women that i worked with for that period of time. they helped to shape me in ways they will never know. i still can't believe it has been a year since i left them, but i know we can still keep in touch, and i know they are supporting me during this time in my life. THANKS AGAIN.
in HIM.
anne
since starting my chemo, i have not been out a lot. partly because i have had family staying with me and it felt weird going out...part of me still felt like i had to be a "hostess". mostly, however, it has been because i have been really tired. but when i got an invitation to go and hang out with some friends from where i used to work for a "girls night out", i decided to go for it. all my company has left, i have enjoyed the peace and quiet for a week, so why not. i took a good 2 hour nap before it was time to go. naps are becoming a standard in my day due to the fatigue related to my treatments, something that has been quite difficult for me to get used to.
this group of women are some of the people that i used to work with, actually it is a year ago this week since i left that position and went back to the hospital. as i was sitting there talking to some of them, none of us could believe it has been a year since i left, including myself. since then, i have thinking a lot about how my life has changed in the last year.
even though i no longer work with these guys, they have been incredibly supportive. the whole office even sent me flowers right after i got my diagnosis. i was only at the position for 18 months, but i feel like i had an awesome opportunity to get to know some of them, to share my heart with them, and most importantly i got to listen to them as well.
i had no idea at the time why i felt i was supposed to take the position at that company, but it soon became very evident that it was a God thing, and He had plans. it was the first place i have ever worked that i felt like it was a "mission field" in the sense that i could share with people what God was doing in my life, and even if the person was not a believer, i was able to support, respect and probably most importantly really listen to them. basically i was able to be authentic. this is something that most of my life i have been too afraid to do. but now thanks to the work the Lord has done in me, i really desire to have those types of relationships. i had the opportunity to pray with and for many of my co-workers. i miss working with them, but am also grateful that we can still get together and hang out...and we don't even talk about work, it is awesome :)
in the year since i have left, i have worked nights for a while, been to India for a mission trip, and found a church home. i have also taken my first ever incomplete in a college/graduate level class, and for a former performance addict, that was a really humbling experience. i have also experienced some of the worst spiritual oppression i have ever known, and have been diagnosed with breast cancer. there are lots of other things that have happened, but those are some pretty big ones.
in talking to one of the women the other night, a somewhat painful topic came up. one of the closer friendships that developed during my employment there has dissolved in the last year. it was very hurtful to be completely cut off from a friend, especially during a difficult time, but the Lord showed me a lot about myself, this other person, and our friendship.
i was asked if i was sorry i had been friends with this person, and i can honestly say absolutely not. i still feel as if the Lord ordained it and made it happen, and this person was used in my life to make me stronger and to heal a lot of wounds. i hope that the Lord used me in their life too. i honestly can look back over the last 6 months and know that God has also played a part in separating us. it was the other person's decision to cut things off, but i also know God is in control and is sovereign, and this has been His way of protecting me. so as much as the hurt may still linger at times, i know it is all in God's control, and if it is in His will, the relationship still has a chance of being mended, but i know it will never be the same.
what made me really angry about the whole situation was the influence it had on other people. i had heard that one of our other coworkers from that time was angry when they saw how a "friend" was treating me during a time when i needed people standing beside me as i found out about my diagnosis. they saw it as typical of how "Christians" act...hypocritical.
i was devastated... i have grown up in the church, and ran from it for a really long time because of the hypocrisy that i saw and hated. i don't know where that person stands in their relationship with God and Christ, but i really hope they can forgive me for any part of the situation that i played in them seeing Christians in a negative light. i hate hypocrisy as well, and i ask any non-believer, or any person for that matter, that you please not judge the world's perfect Savior on the actions of His imperfect human representatives.
Jesus told us that we will be known by the love we show to others. and i know that to many, it often looks like there is not a lot of love at all. unfortunately we are all fallen, all sinful, and all evil in our flesh. BUT, as Christians it is the personal relationship we have with Christ and the new person we are in Him that saves us and allows us to love others. unfortunately we won't be perfect at it until we meet Him in heaven. we all still have our own hurts, wounds, baggage and lies that we carry around with us, and it affects the way we treat people, even the ones we care about.
i know that in my own life, the truth that Christ has shown me and the wounds He has healed through that has allowed me to see people in a different way. it has allowed me to see just some of their woundedness since i am less busy looking at my own. it allows me to give them grace in the same way that God has given it to me, though His gift is way beyond what i can even comprehend. it is this grace which i am thankful for everyday.
as believers we do have a responsibility not only to share Christ with people as the one and only way to salvation, but we also should give people a reason to even want it by seeing that our lives are different. by no means do we have less struggles, or perfect lives, but we have a strength to persevere and a hope that will always remain. i am not talking about legalism and working our way to goodness, i am talking about realizing the grace and love that we have been given by God in the gift of His Son, Jesus Christ, and resting in the work He already completed on the cross.
as we better understand His grace and learn what His unconditional love actually feels like, we can in turn give that to others, and forgive as we have been forgiven. i have forgiven this person, but that doesn't mean the pain is completely gone. it is better, but anytime you loose a person you trusted it hurts. and it takes time.
anyway, i thank those men and women that i worked with for that period of time. they helped to shape me in ways they will never know. i still can't believe it has been a year since i left them, but i know we can still keep in touch, and i know they are supporting me during this time in my life. THANKS AGAIN.
in HIM.
anne
Sunday, October 09, 2005
2 down, 6 to go...
that's right, i had my second treatment. it went well in that the new medication i was given helped even more with the nausea. the hardest thing to get used to is the fatigue that i have been experiencing. it is really strange. you feel fine and then all of a sudden, it is like your brain just shuts down....it almost feels like a big shade is being pulled down, and that is it...no more brain function for a while.
my hair is history. people kept telling me i would need to sleep in a cap so i would not get cold. well that has not been a problem....i feel like my head is constantly sweating. as a result, no wig yet. it has to get cooler out here in the desert before i get one of those...hats and scaves will have to do.
i have my next treatment this friday, on the 14th. one more closer to being done, and that is what i am looking towards for now. i know more surgery will be down the road, and there will be more hard decisions ahead, but i will focus on one day at a time for now.....
anyway. more later,
anne
my hair is history. people kept telling me i would need to sleep in a cap so i would not get cold. well that has not been a problem....i feel like my head is constantly sweating. as a result, no wig yet. it has to get cooler out here in the desert before i get one of those...hats and scaves will have to do.
i have my next treatment this friday, on the 14th. one more closer to being done, and that is what i am looking towards for now. i know more surgery will be down the road, and there will be more hard decisions ahead, but i will focus on one day at a time for now.....
anyway. more later,
anne
Sunday, September 18, 2005
so much can you handle?
i got an e-mail the other day that got me thinking. i have gotten many e-mails from friends and family since all this started, some from people i have not seen or heard from in probably 5-6 years, and it has been awesome. it is amazing to know that people from across the country, and even on the other side of the world are praying for you and thinking about you.
anyway, this e-mail contained a statement that i myself have told people several times to encourage them. it is an encouraging statement, i know that is how it was meant, and i have actually been told it on several occasions at various times in my life. the difference now, i think, is that God has been working on me to rest in Him. based on this shift in my paradigm, the statement of "God never gives us more than we can handle" does not seem to be so true anymore. let me explain...
God does say in scripture that when we are tempted, He will give us a way out. (1 Cor. 10:13). He will not allow us to be tempted beyond what we can bear. but this is temptation. this has nothing to do with trying circumstances...nothing to do with "suffering" for lack of a better word.
as i said, i have told many people who were struggling with difficult situations that same thing, to be encouraging. it has been only recently that i have begun to think of this differently. the reason i see this differently now is that i think He does give us more than we can handle...He can even really load it on sometimes...not to make us fail, but so that we will look to Him.
i know there is no way i could be "handling" any of this at all without Him in the midst of it. but i also know that it seems He has been trying to get my attention. trying to get me to stop doing everything on my own strength, and well, i have been so good at doing things on my own, it has taken a lot to get to the point of being beyond what i think i can handle. i have given up...i can't do it...only He can handle this. i have known "God is in control" at least in the big scheme of things, and i thank Him for that everyday. but there is a big difference in knowing he is control of the big picture versus letting Him have control of the minute by minute stuff and decisions that we have to deal with everyday. that is what has been hard to give up to Him.
He does give us more than we can handle so that we will turn to Him and depend on Him to do whatever it is that is put in front of us. He doesn't do it to punish us, but because He loves us. He wants us in such an intimate relationship with Him that the Holy Spirit and our spirit are so intermingled we don't even have to think about it. we just live with the confidence that we are in His will...we know everything that happens is taken care of by the strength of our Almighty Father, the Perfect Son, and His indwelling Spirit that is working within us.
so anyway, the way i see things now, God does give us more than we can handle, and we can thank Him that He does...because this is how He grows and matures our faith and walk with Him. if we keep going under our own power, we may never get to that point of utter desparation and surrender.
there may be folks out there that do not agree, and that is fine...this is just what i feel like i am learning...and i wanted to share.
thanks for reading....
in HIM.
anne
anyway, this e-mail contained a statement that i myself have told people several times to encourage them. it is an encouraging statement, i know that is how it was meant, and i have actually been told it on several occasions at various times in my life. the difference now, i think, is that God has been working on me to rest in Him. based on this shift in my paradigm, the statement of "God never gives us more than we can handle" does not seem to be so true anymore. let me explain...
God does say in scripture that when we are tempted, He will give us a way out. (1 Cor. 10:13). He will not allow us to be tempted beyond what we can bear. but this is temptation. this has nothing to do with trying circumstances...nothing to do with "suffering" for lack of a better word.
as i said, i have told many people who were struggling with difficult situations that same thing, to be encouraging. it has been only recently that i have begun to think of this differently. the reason i see this differently now is that i think He does give us more than we can handle...He can even really load it on sometimes...not to make us fail, but so that we will look to Him.
i know there is no way i could be "handling" any of this at all without Him in the midst of it. but i also know that it seems He has been trying to get my attention. trying to get me to stop doing everything on my own strength, and well, i have been so good at doing things on my own, it has taken a lot to get to the point of being beyond what i think i can handle. i have given up...i can't do it...only He can handle this. i have known "God is in control" at least in the big scheme of things, and i thank Him for that everyday. but there is a big difference in knowing he is control of the big picture versus letting Him have control of the minute by minute stuff and decisions that we have to deal with everyday. that is what has been hard to give up to Him.
He does give us more than we can handle so that we will turn to Him and depend on Him to do whatever it is that is put in front of us. He doesn't do it to punish us, but because He loves us. He wants us in such an intimate relationship with Him that the Holy Spirit and our spirit are so intermingled we don't even have to think about it. we just live with the confidence that we are in His will...we know everything that happens is taken care of by the strength of our Almighty Father, the Perfect Son, and His indwelling Spirit that is working within us.
so anyway, the way i see things now, God does give us more than we can handle, and we can thank Him that He does...because this is how He grows and matures our faith and walk with Him. if we keep going under our own power, we may never get to that point of utter desparation and surrender.
there may be folks out there that do not agree, and that is fine...this is just what i feel like i am learning...and i wanted to share.
thanks for reading....
in HIM.
anne
Saturday, September 17, 2005
surviving....at least round 1
well, i am happy to report that i managed to survive round one of chemo with no puking involved. i went to walmart the morning of the first session and bought a bucket...just in case. better to be prepared, right. my oncologist was very nice and liberal with the nausea medications, so i was able to kind of formulate my own cocktail to take something to ward off any problems about every 4 hours....i guess i did learn something working for hospice for a year and a half :)
the main adjustment has been just being tired a lot more, and it can come on very suddenly. i have been off work the last 2 weeks unsure of how i would feel, so that has been nice....boring at times, but nice. i hope to go back in for a couple of hours each day this next week...only to get hit again by the next round on friday...6 days from now.
to share a little bit about the whole experience....they have a "chemo room" at the doctors office where everyone goes to recieve their infusions/medicatoins. it is a large room with about 15-18 recliners in a big semicircle around a nurses station. the chemo nurses are all really nice, and give each patient the standard instructions/drug information before each round is started. the RN asked me if she had heard correctly that i was a pharmacist, and after my answer apologized that the information would be rather basic. i told her that was fine with me...as far as i am concerned, i am a patient in there, not a health professional. i guess they used to have a TV in the room, but there used to be to many arguments over whether to watch Maury or Springer so they had to take it out....whatever. people can bring in whatever to read or listen to if they want. you can even take your laptop and watch a movie if you want. my treatment takes about 2 hours each time, but there are some folks that are there for 12 hours....WOW.
one thing i did think was interesting was part of the "sex" talk they give you. of course condoms are highly recommended...it is not really a great idea to get pregnant when you are getting chemotherapy, as you may imagine...no telling what would happen. what surprised me was that the RN staff basically told me that if a patient does get pregnant, they would stongly counsel the patient to have an abortion. i don't want to get started on any such discussion on this blog, but i just thought that was interesting. i don't exactly have anything to worry about at this time in my life, but i still got the "lecture".
the hardest thing emotionally i have had to deal with this last week was waiting for my hair to start falling out. the doctor told me it would be about 14 days....and it was 13.5. sitting watching CSI on thursday, i first noticed it. i knew it was coming, actually it had kept me awake a couple of nights this week thinking and wondering about it.
i don't really consider myself high maintenance, and it was not the fact that i would lose my hair and be bald....actually with the medication i am on, it is practically completely hairless...even eye brows and eye lashes. anyway, it was not that i will look different, it is more about the fact that this means i am really sick, and i will have a constant reminder of that. i have had 3 surgeries with 7 scars since june, and one of them included implanting this plastic disk under my skin that is raised up and visible on my upper chest....but these are all covered and unnoticable most of the time. now, with no hair, it meant i have a constant reminder that something is physically not quite right. it kind of represents the last bit of being "normal" i have being gone. at least that is how i have felt.
anyway, i thought i was preparing myself for it, but as a friend of mine who went thru chemo as a young teenager told me, until it happens, you can't really know how you will react. she was right. i didn't freak out right away, but i did sleep in one of my baseball caps all night. the thought of waking up to hair all over my pillow was too stressful. i even skipped the shower the next morning before i went to meet my hairstylist. shampooing up and having clumps come out was not an option. Julie, my stylist, is awesome, she met me at the shop on her day off. she shampooed my hair, and then we took out the clippers. she shaved it off to a nice short buzz cut as i sat there with a few tears flowing...but in a matter of minutes, all the length was gone. we decided to stop there for now, she needed a new blade for her clippers and did not want to risk slicing my head open. she told me at the first sign of any patches to call her, and we would do the rest. at first i was not so sure, i thought it would be easier to have it all gone at once, but i am glad we are doing it in "steps". it is still weird, but i am adjusting.
well, that is it for now.... like i said, i have another treatment on this coming friday, the 23rd. but my anxiety is much lower going into this one...i at least have a comparison now.
chat more later....
in HIM.
anne
the main adjustment has been just being tired a lot more, and it can come on very suddenly. i have been off work the last 2 weeks unsure of how i would feel, so that has been nice....boring at times, but nice. i hope to go back in for a couple of hours each day this next week...only to get hit again by the next round on friday...6 days from now.
to share a little bit about the whole experience....they have a "chemo room" at the doctors office where everyone goes to recieve their infusions/medicatoins. it is a large room with about 15-18 recliners in a big semicircle around a nurses station. the chemo nurses are all really nice, and give each patient the standard instructions/drug information before each round is started. the RN asked me if she had heard correctly that i was a pharmacist, and after my answer apologized that the information would be rather basic. i told her that was fine with me...as far as i am concerned, i am a patient in there, not a health professional. i guess they used to have a TV in the room, but there used to be to many arguments over whether to watch Maury or Springer so they had to take it out....whatever. people can bring in whatever to read or listen to if they want. you can even take your laptop and watch a movie if you want. my treatment takes about 2 hours each time, but there are some folks that are there for 12 hours....WOW.
one thing i did think was interesting was part of the "sex" talk they give you. of course condoms are highly recommended...it is not really a great idea to get pregnant when you are getting chemotherapy, as you may imagine...no telling what would happen. what surprised me was that the RN staff basically told me that if a patient does get pregnant, they would stongly counsel the patient to have an abortion. i don't want to get started on any such discussion on this blog, but i just thought that was interesting. i don't exactly have anything to worry about at this time in my life, but i still got the "lecture".
the hardest thing emotionally i have had to deal with this last week was waiting for my hair to start falling out. the doctor told me it would be about 14 days....and it was 13.5. sitting watching CSI on thursday, i first noticed it. i knew it was coming, actually it had kept me awake a couple of nights this week thinking and wondering about it.
i don't really consider myself high maintenance, and it was not the fact that i would lose my hair and be bald....actually with the medication i am on, it is practically completely hairless...even eye brows and eye lashes. anyway, it was not that i will look different, it is more about the fact that this means i am really sick, and i will have a constant reminder of that. i have had 3 surgeries with 7 scars since june, and one of them included implanting this plastic disk under my skin that is raised up and visible on my upper chest....but these are all covered and unnoticable most of the time. now, with no hair, it meant i have a constant reminder that something is physically not quite right. it kind of represents the last bit of being "normal" i have being gone. at least that is how i have felt.
anyway, i thought i was preparing myself for it, but as a friend of mine who went thru chemo as a young teenager told me, until it happens, you can't really know how you will react. she was right. i didn't freak out right away, but i did sleep in one of my baseball caps all night. the thought of waking up to hair all over my pillow was too stressful. i even skipped the shower the next morning before i went to meet my hairstylist. shampooing up and having clumps come out was not an option. Julie, my stylist, is awesome, she met me at the shop on her day off. she shampooed my hair, and then we took out the clippers. she shaved it off to a nice short buzz cut as i sat there with a few tears flowing...but in a matter of minutes, all the length was gone. we decided to stop there for now, she needed a new blade for her clippers and did not want to risk slicing my head open. she told me at the first sign of any patches to call her, and we would do the rest. at first i was not so sure, i thought it would be easier to have it all gone at once, but i am glad we are doing it in "steps". it is still weird, but i am adjusting.
well, that is it for now.... like i said, i have another treatment on this coming friday, the 23rd. but my anxiety is much lower going into this one...i at least have a comparison now.
chat more later....
in HIM.
anne
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
so...now the next step.
it seems it has been a little bit since i have written, so i will give a little update.
almost 2 weeks ago, i found out the results of my genetic testing. i learned that i do in fact have a mutation on one of the known breast cancer genes. this increases my risk of the breast cancer returning as well as potentially developing ovarian cancer. on some level, i guess that i knew the results even before i saw them on paper...that is just the way all this has gone since the beginning.
the next big question then, do i have surgery now, or wait until after my chemotherapy. i had decided even before the results were back that if they were positive, i would have a double mastectomy and reconstuction to reduce my risk, at least as much as possible, of having to go through all this again. besides, i still feel as if i am called to the mission field. this is not something i want to have to worry about or even think a lot about while potentially overseas somewhere in the future. God has blessed me with so much now, including good health insurance and an income that will allow me to take care of things now. as much as more surgery scares me, i have peace about this decision, and will proceed when appropriate.
at my appointment with the oncologist the next day, it was decided that chemo would be done first, and surgery would wait until after all drug treatment was completed, almost a year and a half from now. in some ways, i would rather have surgery. being told i would start chemo in 2 weeks made this all too real.
as each day has passed, i have gotten more and more anxious and honestly scared about starting chemo. now i start in 2 days...on friday september 2nd. i am terrified of being sick. potentially having uncontrollable nausea/vomiting is not something most people ever want to experience, but it absolutely terrifies me. i know most of this is in my head...i have an unnatural fear of vomiting, almost paralyzing in fact.
i was talking with a colleague yesterday that has another friend who was also diagnosed with breast cancer around the same time i was. her friend just started chemo last week. i asked my friend how her other friend was doing. appearently she was not tolerating it so well and had been puking her guts out for the last 5 days. not exactly something i wanted to hear, but hey, better to be prepared, right?
i have no idea what will happen. i am praying for minimal, or at least managable nausea. i talked to my oncologist about my concern in my very first meeting with him. he said he would throw the book at me with every drug possible if necessary, and i thought that sounded like a great idea.
another thing that i been forced to think about is the fact that i will more than likely loose my hair. i actually went wig shopping last week, and let me tell you, it was weird. i even tried on a few of them. i am amazed with all the options they have. they even have detachable bangs that you can velcro into your hat, or even a ring of hair you can put on under your hat so you don't have to wear a full wig and overheat, especially out here in sunny phoenix.
one of the funniest things i have heard during this process, i asked my insurance company about paying for the wigs....they do, but i will need to get a prescription from my doctor.....for a cranial prosthesis.... i almost died laughing....i am not getting a head transplant. but oh well...wonder if i can get a new brain while i am at it... :0
anyway, i am reading a book on suffering that a friend of the family gave me. it is actually pretty good...it is making me think a lot. i will write more about that later....but suffering is a GIFT. interesting concept, and not what people normally think, but i agree.
i'll write more after i experience my first round of "poison".
in HIM
anne
almost 2 weeks ago, i found out the results of my genetic testing. i learned that i do in fact have a mutation on one of the known breast cancer genes. this increases my risk of the breast cancer returning as well as potentially developing ovarian cancer. on some level, i guess that i knew the results even before i saw them on paper...that is just the way all this has gone since the beginning.
the next big question then, do i have surgery now, or wait until after my chemotherapy. i had decided even before the results were back that if they were positive, i would have a double mastectomy and reconstuction to reduce my risk, at least as much as possible, of having to go through all this again. besides, i still feel as if i am called to the mission field. this is not something i want to have to worry about or even think a lot about while potentially overseas somewhere in the future. God has blessed me with so much now, including good health insurance and an income that will allow me to take care of things now. as much as more surgery scares me, i have peace about this decision, and will proceed when appropriate.
at my appointment with the oncologist the next day, it was decided that chemo would be done first, and surgery would wait until after all drug treatment was completed, almost a year and a half from now. in some ways, i would rather have surgery. being told i would start chemo in 2 weeks made this all too real.
as each day has passed, i have gotten more and more anxious and honestly scared about starting chemo. now i start in 2 days...on friday september 2nd. i am terrified of being sick. potentially having uncontrollable nausea/vomiting is not something most people ever want to experience, but it absolutely terrifies me. i know most of this is in my head...i have an unnatural fear of vomiting, almost paralyzing in fact.
i was talking with a colleague yesterday that has another friend who was also diagnosed with breast cancer around the same time i was. her friend just started chemo last week. i asked my friend how her other friend was doing. appearently she was not tolerating it so well and had been puking her guts out for the last 5 days. not exactly something i wanted to hear, but hey, better to be prepared, right?
i have no idea what will happen. i am praying for minimal, or at least managable nausea. i talked to my oncologist about my concern in my very first meeting with him. he said he would throw the book at me with every drug possible if necessary, and i thought that sounded like a great idea.
another thing that i been forced to think about is the fact that i will more than likely loose my hair. i actually went wig shopping last week, and let me tell you, it was weird. i even tried on a few of them. i am amazed with all the options they have. they even have detachable bangs that you can velcro into your hat, or even a ring of hair you can put on under your hat so you don't have to wear a full wig and overheat, especially out here in sunny phoenix.
one of the funniest things i have heard during this process, i asked my insurance company about paying for the wigs....they do, but i will need to get a prescription from my doctor.....for a cranial prosthesis.... i almost died laughing....i am not getting a head transplant. but oh well...wonder if i can get a new brain while i am at it... :0
anyway, i am reading a book on suffering that a friend of the family gave me. it is actually pretty good...it is making me think a lot. i will write more about that later....but suffering is a GIFT. interesting concept, and not what people normally think, but i agree.
i'll write more after i experience my first round of "poison".
in HIM
anne
Sunday, August 14, 2005
getting about the work
I mentioned in my last entry that it is pretty amazing how God can use different people and circumstances to teach us the same lesson. It may not always be because we are hard headed, however. Sometimes He just needs to make sure we hear the message, so He repeats it more than once.
Well, as of today at church, I am 3 for 3 in as many days. I had the priviledge on Friday to go with some friends to hear the pastor of the Brooklyn Tabernacle speak here in Phoenix. It was a very encouraging message about getting on with doing the WORK God has called us each to do. NOT work for our salvation, that is a gift. Nor is it about performing to earn His love or attention, we have that too. But God has called each of us to do work for Him. He has chosen to use us, with all of our imperfections, faults, and problems to reach the people in our neighborhoods and through out the world that do not know Him.
The speaker's point was...what are we waiting for. He pointed out, and I completely agree, most people, most Christians in our country, come to church to "worship", but primarily want to be entertained. They want the warm and fuzzies. They come on Sunday for their feel good infusion, and that is pretty much it. I am NOT saying that everyone is like this, but if we are honest, most of us are...and I include myself in this comment. I am sure I have struck some nerves, and I am sorry, but what the speaker was saying rang true to me. I had actually thought about it before, and it was a revelation that did not feel very good at all.
The alter call on Friday night was more of an invitation to recommit, and pursue and DO the work that God has called us to do. I went forward to recommit to doing just that.
Well, that was just round #1.
Last night before going to sleep, I was reading an article in one of my books from the seminary class I withdrew from this summer. The article was by Henry Blackaby from the book/bible study "Experiencing God". I did the study several years ago...but it never hurts to refresh your memory. It was discussing how God utilizes His creation, especially those made in His image i.e. you and me, to do the work of spreading the good news His Son accomplished on the cross... to share the gospel. The article talked about not doing it on your own strength, not trying to start something on your own, but looking around and plugging in to where God is working. He doesn't want us to do it on our own, He has sent us the Holy Spirit to give us strength and direction to do His work, we just need to be willing and obedient....and get about the work we are called to do.
I told you I was 3 for 3...Well today's sermon at church was on Acts 6. This is the chapter of Acts when the 7 are chosen from among the people to help care for the believers so that the apostles could continue in what they were called to do...teaching, preaching, and praying. Stephen was one of the 7 chosen, and he is described as faithful and full of the Holy Spirit. He did his assigned Work, so well in fact, he was stoned to death.
Something I never noticed before but was pointed out in the message: he was accused of speaking against Moses and the law. But in God's irony, He made Stephen's face/body to shine as bright as an angel...just as Moses face shown when he came down from Mount Sinai. Stephen was not speaking against God or Moses. He was doing the work God called him to do, and I think God showed He was pleased with Him.
So what did I learn from all of this... Well, at first I got irritated because I want to get on with my calling, but now I have this huge road block in my way... Then I thought about it some more, and I have allowed this newest development with my health to practically paralyze me. I have put everything on hold because I don't know what is going to happen. I am confident that God is going to use this as preparation for me, but I can't just sit and wait around either.
The more I thought and prayed about it, God began to show me that my work right now is to trust Him, to rest in Him, and to allow my faith to grow. My job right now is to get to know Him better, and ironically I have been shutting Him out. I have avoided thinking about some things because most of the time, all this seems like a dream. But I know it isn't. He wants my attention right now...my job is to focus on Him and Him alone.
The funny thing I have found in the past, and that a friend of mine feels will happen again, is that in focusing on Him, I will be able to minister to others, and not even be aware I am doing so. That is the funny thing about this life He asks us to lead, we rest in Him by depending solely on Him, and we actually end up doing His work with out even being really conscious of it. As He fills us with His Spirit, it ends up overflowing out of us and into the lives of others... We may not even be aware of it.
So, get about the work. If you know your calling, and God has prepared you, continue to trust in Him and get on with it in faith. If you are still in the stage of preparation, then I pray God just continues to work on you and with you. If you still don't know what your job entails, ask Him, He will let you know. For now, I will get on with my job of getting to know HIM.
In Him.
anne
Well, as of today at church, I am 3 for 3 in as many days. I had the priviledge on Friday to go with some friends to hear the pastor of the Brooklyn Tabernacle speak here in Phoenix. It was a very encouraging message about getting on with doing the WORK God has called us each to do. NOT work for our salvation, that is a gift. Nor is it about performing to earn His love or attention, we have that too. But God has called each of us to do work for Him. He has chosen to use us, with all of our imperfections, faults, and problems to reach the people in our neighborhoods and through out the world that do not know Him.
The speaker's point was...what are we waiting for. He pointed out, and I completely agree, most people, most Christians in our country, come to church to "worship", but primarily want to be entertained. They want the warm and fuzzies. They come on Sunday for their feel good infusion, and that is pretty much it. I am NOT saying that everyone is like this, but if we are honest, most of us are...and I include myself in this comment. I am sure I have struck some nerves, and I am sorry, but what the speaker was saying rang true to me. I had actually thought about it before, and it was a revelation that did not feel very good at all.
The alter call on Friday night was more of an invitation to recommit, and pursue and DO the work that God has called us to do. I went forward to recommit to doing just that.
Well, that was just round #1.
Last night before going to sleep, I was reading an article in one of my books from the seminary class I withdrew from this summer. The article was by Henry Blackaby from the book/bible study "Experiencing God". I did the study several years ago...but it never hurts to refresh your memory. It was discussing how God utilizes His creation, especially those made in His image i.e. you and me, to do the work of spreading the good news His Son accomplished on the cross... to share the gospel. The article talked about not doing it on your own strength, not trying to start something on your own, but looking around and plugging in to where God is working. He doesn't want us to do it on our own, He has sent us the Holy Spirit to give us strength and direction to do His work, we just need to be willing and obedient....and get about the work we are called to do.
I told you I was 3 for 3...Well today's sermon at church was on Acts 6. This is the chapter of Acts when the 7 are chosen from among the people to help care for the believers so that the apostles could continue in what they were called to do...teaching, preaching, and praying. Stephen was one of the 7 chosen, and he is described as faithful and full of the Holy Spirit. He did his assigned Work, so well in fact, he was stoned to death.
Something I never noticed before but was pointed out in the message: he was accused of speaking against Moses and the law. But in God's irony, He made Stephen's face/body to shine as bright as an angel...just as Moses face shown when he came down from Mount Sinai. Stephen was not speaking against God or Moses. He was doing the work God called him to do, and I think God showed He was pleased with Him.
So what did I learn from all of this... Well, at first I got irritated because I want to get on with my calling, but now I have this huge road block in my way... Then I thought about it some more, and I have allowed this newest development with my health to practically paralyze me. I have put everything on hold because I don't know what is going to happen. I am confident that God is going to use this as preparation for me, but I can't just sit and wait around either.
The more I thought and prayed about it, God began to show me that my work right now is to trust Him, to rest in Him, and to allow my faith to grow. My job right now is to get to know Him better, and ironically I have been shutting Him out. I have avoided thinking about some things because most of the time, all this seems like a dream. But I know it isn't. He wants my attention right now...my job is to focus on Him and Him alone.
The funny thing I have found in the past, and that a friend of mine feels will happen again, is that in focusing on Him, I will be able to minister to others, and not even be aware I am doing so. That is the funny thing about this life He asks us to lead, we rest in Him by depending solely on Him, and we actually end up doing His work with out even being really conscious of it. As He fills us with His Spirit, it ends up overflowing out of us and into the lives of others... We may not even be aware of it.
So, get about the work. If you know your calling, and God has prepared you, continue to trust in Him and get on with it in faith. If you are still in the stage of preparation, then I pray God just continues to work on you and with you. If you still don't know what your job entails, ask Him, He will let you know. For now, I will get on with my job of getting to know HIM.
In Him.
anne
Monday, August 08, 2005
what's in a river
So what is the deal with a river and how it relates to life. I don't know about you, but for me, a river is the perfect metaphor for my life.
A river is always moving, always on a journey. There are calm sections where things just flow smoothly. Then you have the eddies where everything that comes around, goes around, like being stuck in a rut. The bigger the rut, the harder it is to break out of it. Same goes for an eddy; the bigger the eddy, the harder it is to break back into the current. Then you have the rapids. They can be small and not so stressful, medium to large causing some adrenaline to flow, or total chaos when you have no idea what is going on or how you will survive. Then you may even have those areas before a major rapid where the water backs up and almost forms a lake...the current is still there, but it is much harder to find. It seems to take forever to get anywhere and then boom....a HUGH waterfall that you may or may not have been expecting.
I can look back over my life and more importantly my journey with God and see each one of the descriptions above. There have been times when everything is going along great, right in the middle of the current, when you know you are in His will for your life. Some of the rapids can even be fun....just hold on and go along for the ride. Then those eddies come up, and you are stuck trying to learn what appears to be the same lesson over and over again. Isn't it amazing how God can being showing you the same thing through so many different circumstances. it is not just a coincidence you know. Like any good teacher, if we don't get it the first time, He will use a different approach to get it through our thick skulls :)
During the last 8 months I have been in that big lake right before something huge happens, but i had no idea that something would be cancer.
This entire year has been hard, long, and quiet. Quiet in the sense that I have not felt I could hear God. I could see Him doing stuff around me, in my life and in others, but I have felt very disconnected. I feel like I have been drudging and plodding along...just trying to hold on for dear life. The problem is I have been doing all of this on my own power...and as a result, I am totally exhausted. I think He is saying..." FINALLY. You stopped fighting and trying so hard... Now just REST for a while."
It has been a discouraging time, and yet deep down I know He has been there. His recurrent lesson for me this entire year has been that in my weakness is where I will find His strength. He showed me this in my seminary classes this spring, on my short term mission trip to India, at work, in different relationships, and in multiple other areas of my life.
He has is teaching me this lessons while stripping defense mechanisms from me. These defense mechanisms are patterns of thinking I have used for years to protect myself, to protect my heart. He wants them. As long as I hold on to them, I won't come to Him. I won't depend and look to Him for strength.
The defense mechanisms have come in surprising forms. The main one has been resignation...just giving up as I felt there was nothing I could do about siuations anyway. Another variation on that was to simply say "i don't care, it doesn't matter". In other words, I tried to convince myself, other people and God that what I wanted/needed didn't matter. It comes down to not thinking I am worth the time and effort, so why bother asking or making a fuss...and this is a lie.
God wants us to tell Him what we want, what we desire, what we feel we need. He may not give it to us, as He knows what is really best, but He wants us to ask. Asking shows you can't do it on your own...it shows you are willing to become and be humble, weak, and vulnerable.
It is in that state that we find Him...ready to pick us up just as we are, love on us, and give us His strength to carry on. He may not give us exactly what we ask for, but it will ultimately end up being better than anything we could have ever imagined. It may be painful, and even devistating at first, but I truly believe it all works to draw us closer to Him.
A river is always moving, always on a journey. There are calm sections where things just flow smoothly. Then you have the eddies where everything that comes around, goes around, like being stuck in a rut. The bigger the rut, the harder it is to break out of it. Same goes for an eddy; the bigger the eddy, the harder it is to break back into the current. Then you have the rapids. They can be small and not so stressful, medium to large causing some adrenaline to flow, or total chaos when you have no idea what is going on or how you will survive. Then you may even have those areas before a major rapid where the water backs up and almost forms a lake...the current is still there, but it is much harder to find. It seems to take forever to get anywhere and then boom....a HUGH waterfall that you may or may not have been expecting.
I can look back over my life and more importantly my journey with God and see each one of the descriptions above. There have been times when everything is going along great, right in the middle of the current, when you know you are in His will for your life. Some of the rapids can even be fun....just hold on and go along for the ride. Then those eddies come up, and you are stuck trying to learn what appears to be the same lesson over and over again. Isn't it amazing how God can being showing you the same thing through so many different circumstances. it is not just a coincidence you know. Like any good teacher, if we don't get it the first time, He will use a different approach to get it through our thick skulls :)
During the last 8 months I have been in that big lake right before something huge happens, but i had no idea that something would be cancer.
This entire year has been hard, long, and quiet. Quiet in the sense that I have not felt I could hear God. I could see Him doing stuff around me, in my life and in others, but I have felt very disconnected. I feel like I have been drudging and plodding along...just trying to hold on for dear life. The problem is I have been doing all of this on my own power...and as a result, I am totally exhausted. I think He is saying..." FINALLY. You stopped fighting and trying so hard... Now just REST for a while."
It has been a discouraging time, and yet deep down I know He has been there. His recurrent lesson for me this entire year has been that in my weakness is where I will find His strength. He showed me this in my seminary classes this spring, on my short term mission trip to India, at work, in different relationships, and in multiple other areas of my life.
He has is teaching me this lessons while stripping defense mechanisms from me. These defense mechanisms are patterns of thinking I have used for years to protect myself, to protect my heart. He wants them. As long as I hold on to them, I won't come to Him. I won't depend and look to Him for strength.
The defense mechanisms have come in surprising forms. The main one has been resignation...just giving up as I felt there was nothing I could do about siuations anyway. Another variation on that was to simply say "i don't care, it doesn't matter". In other words, I tried to convince myself, other people and God that what I wanted/needed didn't matter. It comes down to not thinking I am worth the time and effort, so why bother asking or making a fuss...and this is a lie.
God wants us to tell Him what we want, what we desire, what we feel we need. He may not give it to us, as He knows what is really best, but He wants us to ask. Asking shows you can't do it on your own...it shows you are willing to become and be humble, weak, and vulnerable.
It is in that state that we find Him...ready to pick us up just as we are, love on us, and give us His strength to carry on. He may not give us exactly what we ask for, but it will ultimately end up being better than anything we could have ever imagined. It may be painful, and even devistating at first, but I truly believe it all works to draw us closer to Him.
Thursday, July 28, 2005
Just the beginning...
Well, here goes. My first blogger entry.
This is not something i am very comfortable doing, after all i don't consider myself a very good writer at all, but things in my life are changing. As a result, friends have been encouraging me to journal some of these experiences, not only for myself, but who knows, maybe my journey will encourage someone else. If nothing else, at least i can release some stuff that keeps floating around in my head.
you see, i am 36, single, and just about 2 months ago was told i have bilateral breast cancer. That's right, not just one, but 2 tumors...one on each side. I work in the medical profession, so i pretty much have avoided doctors offices as much as possible. I have always been pretty healthy, so it was quite a shock to hear this rather scary news just 5 days before my 36th birthday. Finding the lump was unsettling in itself, and then to hear a week later that things looked "suspicious" only to be sent for more testing, then surgery, and then wham, everything is different. Now when you fill out the paperwork at the doctor's office, instead of marking NO to all those nasty diseases, you have to mark YES to one of the nastiest of them all CANCER.
I have to admit, this has been one of the most scary times in my life, and yet i have mostly felt numb to the whole thing. And that is the reason for this blog site. To work it out, in a sense. To give the thoughts, emotions, and random ideas that float around in my head a way out. I hope you will bear with me during this journey...opening up and expressing myself has not really been one of my fortes in life.
You may be wondering about the title....it has meanings to me on several different levels. The one closet to the surface is that i LOVE whitewater rafting. I have been on 2 trips down the Grand Canyon, and have rafted a few of the rivers back east as well. Anyway, the rapids are great, very exhillerating, but they can also be very dangerous....especially if you try to stand up on your own power....you have to at least in some part, rest in the rapid to prevent hurting yourself.
The deeper meaning for me relates to my journey with Jesus Christ, my Lord, Savior, and friend. This newest challenge is part of that jouney, and He is teaching me to rest in Him during all of this. So that will be a large part of this blog site as well, what He is teaching me. Those of you who know me know of my desire to serve God in the mission field, and the calling i feel i have received to go and do this. Well, this is part of my preparation... at least that is how i am looking at it. what better way to understand people who are suffering than to suffer something completely life changing yourself. I will be able to serve Him better by serving the people He loves with a greater understanding after persevering through this current challenge, or should i say class 10, huge waterfall of a rapid i am facing.
So come along with me, if you would like. If not, that is okay too. Like i said, this site is for me to get things out of my head, but the journey is more interesting when other people come along.
In Him.
anne
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)