Buttons.....

When I started this Blog several years ago, it was so that I could have a place to process and verbalize what I was struggling with and learning as I went through my battle with cancer.  I didn't write for a long time, but then decided to start again as I began my journey in Uganda.  I kept the name the same as it meant a lot to me then, and it still does now....but I will admit, I am not doing as good of a job "resting" now as I did then, and somehow the "rapids" seem a heck of a lot bigger.

I didn't write at all last year, but have made a new "resolution" of sorts to try blog more regularly this second year of my term (well 2014 anyway).  The first few posts have just been some fun things I got to do, and then a great ministry opportunity I had.  BUT NOW....I am afraid I need to vent a little.  I need to process.  I need to just get out some frustration (I am a verbal processor, and don't really have too many folks I can verbally process with right now, so cyber-space it is.)

I have known for a long time that one of my buttons is not being communicated with (and not being really heard or listened to, but that is another matter).  I have prayed and prayed to try and discover where this button first developed, and the LORD has shown me different things at different times.  The button has seemed to shrink at times, and then it grows again to get hit again all over the place.

We were taught at different times prior to coming to live cross-culturally that different buttons would get pushed, even the ones we thought we had dealt with.  We were told that somehow the buttons seem to get GI-NORM-OUS when they are suddenly coming in contact with a whole culture that seems determined to push them ALL DAY LONG.  And let me tell you...I am definitely finding that to be true.

I found it true all through my first year here, and it continues now.  I have had times of letting it go and not bother me, and times when I am so frustrated I just want to get on the plane and head back to whatever life I may be able to start again in the US.

This week, it was one of THOSE weeks.  Despite having a very encouraging time speaking and sharing last week and finally getting to "do" some of what I have come here to do, this week, I just want to bag it all. (Somehow as I write this, I see the timing is, shall I say typical...in the spiritual type of attack kind of normal that is, so I guess I should not be surprised....and that in itself gives me strength and courage to keep going.) 

I won't leave, I can't leave since I know I have been called here, but there are times, so I will proceed with a bit of venting.

• I am tired of NOT being told when things change...like rates on a my cell phone.  (Kind of a big deal since it affects MILLIONS of people, but they DON'T tell anyone...not even their own employees, but it seems no one else seems to mind.)
• I am tired of being told to just be patient when things they tell everyone will be fixed in 24 hours are not fixed and it is now 48-72 hours later.
• I am tired of purchasing things that when I get them home they don't work, but being unable to return it because they just don't do that here.  No such thing as a return policy in most places, receipt or not.
• I am tired of asking again and again for the person hired to "care" for the building where I live to actually do his job and being disregarded and disrespected as he continues to NOT do it.
• I am tired of things I was told are included in a rent payment not functioning, then "jeri-rigged" to get through the immediate problem, but never fully fixed or replaced.  SOOO, the next time, we are in the SAME situation again.
• I am tired of being told," yes, they are coming to today" to fix whatever is broken, so you arrange your day to accommodate that....and of course it never happens.  I have finally given up....and may ask once every couple of weeks, and am again told, yes, they are coming today...and they don't.

All of this comes down to having expectations.  My frustration in driving (which I won't even get into now, but it is by far the MOST STRESSFUL thing that I do here) also all comes from having expectations.  

So I try to not have expectations.  I try and not expect what I have expected all my life.  I try not to bring my "western" view into what life is here.  But, it is hard.  Try it.  Try and just have no expectations.  It is like killing your heart...your desires...your needs....even for "order".  SOOO, I have to figure out how to find some sort of balance.

Its all about the culture.  Here, culture says you tell someone what you think they want to hear.  You are told what it is folks assume is the answer you want.  Folks don't want to be the bearer of bad news, so you just aren't told.  That includes extremely bad news (like your container has been in an accident and almost all of your things are gone) to just run of the mill things (like no, sorry the electrician cannot come today, but he will try again tomorrow).  It seems to never be the full truth, never completely honest. 

For someone who wants to be communicated with, regardless of the TYPE of news, I find this a very hard way to live.  I would rather just be told, so I can make arrangements for my day, so I can begin to process any bad news that may have happened, so I can have a better idea of what is going on.  If I am going to get upset, I would rather only get upset at the situation from the beginning, as when the information finally comes, then I am upset by the fact that I wasn't told as well.  Double the frustration...and super annoying.

I have come to my own conclusion of what "today" means....or at least this is what I am choosing to believe so that it doesn't continue to drive me crazy.  It is the meaning that I have come to understand in Hebrews 4:7.  "he appoints a certain day, TODAY."  EVERYDAY is today...when the day comes, each day that we wake up to is "today"....so THIS is how I choose to define it when they tell me, "yes, the repairman is coming today", even when I know they actually won't, but on whatever day he does finally arrive...it will in fact be "today".

That may seem crazy, but that is what I have decided to do so I don't go crazy.  It helps in THIS situation.  And for this I am grateful.

NOW, I just have to find a way to make the "button" of not being listened to shrink.  I continue to seek the LORD for help, but I am not getting very far.  BUT, I have come to learn in situations like this, it is because HE is wanting to deal with something deeper....WAY deep down, and just perhaps I am the one not letting HIM do that yet....so that is something I need to surrender to HIM.  HE never forces HIS way in HIS work...HE will force the issue, but we still have to make the decision to go there with HIM......and I that is what I need to do.

Thanks for letting me process.  I am not even sure any of this will make any sense to anyone but me, but at least I got it out of my head for a while.

Anne