what's in a river

So what is the deal with a river and how it relates to life. I don't know about you, but for me, a river is the perfect metaphor for my life.

A river is always moving, always on a journey. There are calm sections where things just flow smoothly. Then you have the eddies where everything that comes around, goes around, like being stuck in a rut. The bigger the rut, the harder it is to break out of it. Same goes for an eddy; the bigger the eddy, the harder it is to break back into the current. Then you have the rapids. They can be small and not so stressful, medium to large causing some adrenaline to flow, or total chaos when you have no idea what is going on or how you will survive. Then you may even have those areas before a major rapid where the water backs up and almost forms a lake...the current is still there, but it is much harder to find. It seems to take forever to get anywhere and then boom....a HUGH waterfall that you may or may not have been expecting.

I can look back over my life and more importantly my journey with God and see each one of the descriptions above. There have been times when everything is going along great, right in the middle of the current, when you know you are in His will for your life. Some of the rapids can even be fun....just hold on and go along for the ride. Then those eddies come up, and you are stuck trying to learn what appears to be the same lesson over and over again. Isn't it amazing how God can being showing you the same thing through so many different circumstances. it is not just a coincidence you know. Like any good teacher, if we don't get it the first time, He will use a different approach to get it through our thick skulls :)

During the last 8 months I have been in that big lake right before something huge happens, but i had no idea that something would be cancer.

This entire year has been hard, long, and quiet. Quiet in the sense that I have not felt I could hear God. I could see Him doing stuff around me, in my life and in others, but I have felt very disconnected. I feel like I have been drudging and plodding along...just trying to hold on for dear life. The problem is I have been doing all of this on my own power...and as a result, I am totally exhausted. I think He is saying..." FINALLY. You stopped fighting and trying so hard... Now just REST for a while."

It has been a discouraging time, and yet deep down I know He has been there. His recurrent lesson for me this entire year has been that in my weakness is where I will find His strength. He showed me this in my seminary classes this spring, on my short term mission trip to India, at work, in different relationships, and in multiple other areas of my life.

He has is teaching me this lessons while stripping defense mechanisms from me. These defense mechanisms are patterns of thinking I have used for years to protect myself, to protect my heart. He wants them. As long as I hold on to them, I won't come to Him. I won't depend and look to Him for strength.

The defense mechanisms have come in surprising forms. The main one has been resignation...just giving up as I felt there was nothing I could do about siuations anyway. Another variation on that was to simply say "i don't care, it doesn't matter". In other words, I tried to convince myself, other people and God that what I wanted/needed didn't matter. It comes down to not thinking I am worth the time and effort, so why bother asking or making a fuss...and this is a lie.

God wants us to tell Him what we want, what we desire, what we feel we need. He may not give it to us, as He knows what is really best, but He wants us to ask. Asking shows you can't do it on your own...it shows you are willing to become and be humble, weak, and vulnerable.

It is in that state that we find Him...ready to pick us up just as we are, love on us, and give us His strength to carry on. He may not give us exactly what we ask for, but it will ultimately end up being better than anything we could have ever imagined. It may be painful, and even devistating at first, but I truly believe it all works to draw us closer to Him.